무료 레벨테스트 받고 강사평가 남기면 1,OOO원 쿠폰 즉시 적립!

혹시 사이트에선 찾지 못한 궁금한 점이 있으세요?
남겨주신 이메일을 통해 답변 드리겠습니다.

문의하신 내용이 문자로 발송되오니
연락처를 남겨주세요.
업무시간 월~금 오전9시~오후6시
(점심시간 낮12시~오후1시)

영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

8/5 essay

작성자: 김*연
2024-08-04 2174

회원님의 영작문



This is the first time that I wrote the essay on a computer, so it took a long time..:( If the file has a problem, please let me know! Have a good day!

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Yeon~! ^^ Well done! Your knowledge of the dispute and the events surrounding it shows in your essay. It is clear that you understand the main points of contention, and you have discussed these in an easily understood way.

>>> TEACHER GEMMA

It is commonly acknowledged that population of old people is going to rapidly increase in modern society especially in South Korea. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

Some assert that an aging society will disappear in the near future. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

This essay will identify possible causes behind this phenomenon and its effect.

>>> CORRECT!^^


 The main reason why the number of old people is going to increase is people have no time to have a child or children. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

OR>>> The primary reason for the anticipated increase in the elderly population is that many people today are prioritizing their careers and personal goals over having children.

This mean that the number of children shows decreasing graph and the number of elders shows increasing graph due to people do not give birth to a child.

>>> CORRECT!^^

 In South Korea, Koreans’ work-life balance is weird because they should work in the office at least 40 hours per week, and it can be linked to low birth rate. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

Lacking social supports, this can be another reason, which provide to married couple who already have a child or plan to have a child.

>>> Lacking social supports can be another reason, which could provide to married couple who already have a child or plan to have a child.

 In South Korea, there are few children support policy, so parent should need an amount of money to take care of their child or children.

>>> CORRECT!^^

 However, an aging society will not disappear in the near future. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

This is because governments will prepare policies about the old people.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 One example of disadvantage, the old people should work after their retirement. 

>>>  One disadvantage is, the elderly people should work after their retirement. 

In South Korea, there are the amount of money that old people receive every month, and that money come from young people who pay tax. 

>>> In South Korea, elderly individuals receive a monthly pension funded by taxes paid by the younger population.

So if the number of young people decreases, old people cannot receive enough money thus they should work after their retirement. 

 >>> CORRECT!^^

However, there also exist advantage, old people can longer get confidence after their retirement.

>>> However, there are also benefits, such as older individuals gaining greater confidence and a sense of purpose after retirement.

 Senior depression is the main problem of an aging society, but doing some work can give seniors higher self-esteem thus it can solve the problem.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

In conclusion, the aging society will not disappear in the future.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 The number of old people shows the tendency that is going to increase but governments are also going to prepare policies about old people to maintain their country.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 In my opinion, governments should prepare more policies about old people but at the same time, they should make policies that support children.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
140760 Homework 윤*희 완료 2024-11-02 2553
140759 How can you be more mindful of your phone usage? 이*희 완료 2024-11-01 2481
140758 Home work 신*라 완료 2024-11-01 2493
140757 How much time do you spend outdoors every week? 신*규 완료 2024-11-01 2182
140756 Do you believe that external validation is necessary for... 이*윤 완료 2024-11-01 2384
140755 Homework 류*우 완료 2024-11-01 2551
140754 Describe what your ideal weekend looks like. 김*린 완료 2024-11-01 2428
140753 day 2, Homework 2024 year October 30 day 김*용 완료 2024-11-01 2340
140752 day 1, Homework 2024 year October 29day 김*용 완료 2024-11-01 3330
140751 What’s the best place to eat in your city? 이*범 완료 2024-11-01 3
140750 Do you often forget an appointment? How will you manage... 권*지 완료 2024-11-01 1
140749 Do you agree that all skilled workers are professionals? Why,... 권*지 완료 2024-11-01 1
140748 What is a law or rule in your country that you think should be... 임*미 완료 2024-11-01 2108
140747 How did you overcome hour sleep paralysis? 권*지 완료 2024-11-01 1
140746 Homework 김*우 완료 2024-10-31 1
140745 Homework 양*영 완료 2024-10-31 2329
140744 What\'s the best thing about your childhood?Explain. 차*혁 완료 2024-10-31 2055
140743 Would you have a part-time job in the future to get extra money... 오*민 완료 2024-10-31 2758
140742 Home work 신*라 완료 2024-10-31 2380
140741 What do you add when you make egg salad? What kind of salad... 이*훈 완료 2024-10-31 2237

HOW TO USE IT?

[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

수업 횟수만큼 영작교정 게시판이 생성되며,
지난 날짜에도 게시 할 수 있습니다.

주5회 수업 : 월 20회 이용 가능
주3회 수업 : 월 12회 이용 가능
주2회 수업 : 월 08회 이용 가능
01
교정 내용은 최대 1,000byte까지 올릴 수 있습니다.

첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
파일에 대한 첨삭은 불가능 합니다.

업로드 가능한 첨부 파일은 최대 2mb까지이며,
첨부 할 수 있는 파일 형식은 다음과 같습니다.

문서 - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
이미지 - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

와이즈에듀케이션아이(주) 사이트명: 파워잉글리쉬 대표이사 전상현
사업자등록번호: 217-81-44736 통신판매신고번호: 2014-서울도봉-0233호
서울본사: 서울시 노원구 한글비석로 245 두타빌 B동 7층 713호
대표번호 1688-8672 개인정보관리 책임자: 안희영 [powerenglish@pweng.net]