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영작교정 게시판

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자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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서비스 입니다.

Is academic success important in your country?

작성자: 김*경
2024-11-21 1997

회원님의 영작문

Yes, as you might have expected. Korea where the Confucianism has influenced across the board for a long time has stressed how important scholastic success is. It may be due to the genes passed down to us that places great importance on scholastic achievement, particularly getting into prestigious universities. Koreans are more likely to think getting into good college as a strong stepping stone for more success because Korea has been a society where academic and regional connections function as a powerful mechanism. That is, good educational background would lead to a good social connection with powerful alumni, which gives alumni more chances of success. Ultimately, this lead to the formation of cartel composed of alumni. Fortunately, it is not what it used to be. More people out of connections can get a chance of success through improving system of social competition and changes in people's perceptions.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello, Mr. Steve! Undeniably, academic success is considered by most people as one of the determiners of an individual's future. Academic success can be quite important, but its significance varies depending on individual goals, values, and circumstances.
-T. Sonny
Yes, as you might have expected. 
>>Correct!
Korea where the Confucianism has influenced across the board for a long time has stressed how important scholastic success is. 
>>Korea, where Confucianism has been spread across the board for a long time, has stressed how important scholastic success is. 
It may be due to the genes passed down to us that places great importance on scholastic achievement, particularly getting into prestigious universities. 
>>It may be due to the genes that were passed down to us that place great importance on scholastic achievement, particularly getting into prestigious universities. 
Koreans are more likely to think getting into good college as a strong stepping stone for more success because Korea has been a society where academic and regional connections function as a powerful mechanism. 
>>Koreans are more likely to think of getting into a good college as a strong stepping stone to better success because Korea has been a society where academic and regional connections function as a powerful mechanism. 
That is, good educational background would lead to a good social connection with powerful alumni, which gives alumni more chances of success. 
>>From that, a good educational background would lead to a good social connection with powerful alumni, which gives more chances of success. 
Ultimately, this lead to the formation of cartel composed of alumni.
>>Ultimately, this leads to the formation of a cartel of alumni.
Fortunately, it is not what it used to be. 
>>Correct!
More people out of connections can get a chance of success through improving system of social competition and changes in people's perceptions.
>>More people out of connections can get a chance of success through improving the system of social competition and changes in people's perceptions.
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