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영작교정 게시판

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자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Homework

작성자: 한*진
2024-12-03 1216

회원님의 영작문



.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Wishing you a fantastic week Yu Jin! I am particularly impressed with your discussion on the issue of whether school teachers should be more responsible for the social and intellectual development of students than parents. You have generally added supporting arguments and necessary point of views. Good job!
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Nowadays people’s life is changing rapidly and as a result, family relationships are affected. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

Q people’s life changing rapidly
A a sense of belonging to the family
D psychological instability ex) stress of fast changing cultures
S focus on family boding for their identity

There are pros and cons for the opinion about whether people’s life changing rapidly is beneficial to themselves.
>>> The opinion on whether rapid changes in people's lives are beneficial to them has both pros and cons.
Some people think that people can suffer from psychological instability because of stress of fast changing cultures. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
However, in my opinion, it is required for themselves to focus on family bonding for their identity, considering a sense of belonging to the family by people’s fast changing life. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
It can be said that focus on family bonding for their identity is not a selection but a necessity in the aspect that people can pursue a sense of belonging to the family.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
On the one hand, people’s life changing rapidly can make it possible for themselves to moan under psychological instability. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental factor than psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspapers in Korea, 85.2% of the high school students, who have experienced stress of fast changing cultures, could be exposed to psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 It shows how strongly people’s life changing rapidly affects psychological instability in a negative way.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
On the other hand, people’s fast changing life can allow themselves to a sense of belonging to the family. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Despite the fact that changing life style rapidly is not the only element for it, it is the most invaluable opportunity that can bring about a sense of belonging to the family. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Let’s take ‘Happy Together’, a family membership program by Daejeon City Government in Korea, to show how changing life style rapidly affects a sense of belonging to the family as an example.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 The program has contributed to a sense of belonging to the family by people’s fast changing life style.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 As a result, it could develop the family identity compared to previous years.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 As we can see in the example, fast changing lifestyle can play a significant role for a sense of belonging to the family.
>>> As seen in the example, a fast-changing lifestyle can significantly impact one's sense of belonging within the family.
In conclusion, a sense of belonging to the family can be considered the positive aspects of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to make family membership programs for the family bonding.
>>> In conclusion, a sense of belonging to the family can be seen as one of the positive aspects of this issue. Therefore, governments should not hesitate to implement family-oriented programs that strengthen family bonds.
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