¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The improvement of social welfare I want for next president

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-12-19 2063

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Min! It is great to see you again here on this page.

I could never imagine that Paju has many red districts with sex workers. If the government can give them other reputable work and not merely subsidy, maybe it would be better. I guess, the salary of a prostitute is relatively high. I am not sure. 

Nevertheless, these kinds of work tarnish the moral integrity of a place. Since we are Asians, this is still considered taboo. In the West, they get their regular check up and are protected by the government.

Anyway, your composition demonstrates your mastery and grammar skills. My suggestions were underlined below for your review. Overall, excellent job!

See you.

-T. Donna~

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
>> They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City isn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.

According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.
>> According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million Won monthly, but they asserted that this subsidy can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
143201 The homework for 20th March. Á¶*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 887
143200 Yes, I have tried flying a kite. À¯*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 932
143199 2025.03.24 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 918
143198 21mar2025 homework ±è*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 958
143197 gambling ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 794
143196 Talk about your favorite book. ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 987
143195 Kyoto ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 864
143194 s Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-24 892
143193 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 915
143192 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 1042
143191 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 4
143190 3/17,18 hw Á¤*È­ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 1
143189 Are you a good patient when you\'re sick? Explain your answer. Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 862
143188 If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what... ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 1
143187 Do you think it¡¯s wise to not eat meat? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-23 1
143186 My favorite activites for school. ±è*¿î ¿Ï·á 2025-03-22 838
143185 Excessive drinking ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-22 1026
143184 What does it mean for a government to \"respect the rights of... ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-22 2
143183 What Korean culture or tradition would you like to continue to... ÇÑ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-22 1018
143182 What\'s your take on solo living becoming a norm? ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-03-22 1029

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04