¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The improvement of social welfare I want for next president

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-12-19 2013

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Min! It is great to see you again here on this page.

I could never imagine that Paju has many red districts with sex workers. If the government can give them other reputable work and not merely subsidy, maybe it would be better. I guess, the salary of a prostitute is relatively high. I am not sure. 

Nevertheless, these kinds of work tarnish the moral integrity of a place. Since we are Asians, this is still considered taboo. In the West, they get their regular check up and are protected by the government.

Anyway, your composition demonstrates your mastery and grammar skills. My suggestions were underlined below for your review. Overall, excellent job!

See you.

-T. Donna~

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
>> They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City isn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.

According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.
>> According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million Won monthly, but they asserted that this subsidy can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
142892 Do you like reading books or watching movies more? Why? Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 888
142891 Why do you prefer dining in rather than taking out? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1064
142890 if someone ask me to visit their country where I do not know ¾î*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 2
142889 2025.03.06 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1121
142888 What do you think of food nowadays? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 3
142887 go shopping mall rather than take a hobby ¾î*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 5
142886 Homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1027
142885 What\'s the most memorable experience you have with your dental... ³ë*ö ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1072
142884 How do you feel about people who smoke near you? ¼Û*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 2
142883 Homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 983
142882 2025.03.05 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 992
142881 What was the last piece of good news you heard ? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1032
142880 3/5 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 2
142879 Some friends you met on a trip want you to visit their country.... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 1014
142878 s Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-06 898
142877 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-05 0
142876 Do you think gender equality has improved in recent years? Why... ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-05 2
142875 hello Àå*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-03-05 861
142874 What kind of design or theme would you like your room to have? ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2025-03-05 1018
142873 advice for someone to looking for true friends Á¶*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-05 990

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04