¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The improvement of social welfare I want for next president

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-12-19 1543

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Min! It is great to see you again here on this page.

I could never imagine that Paju has many red districts with sex workers. If the government can give them other reputable work and not merely subsidy, maybe it would be better. I guess, the salary of a prostitute is relatively high. I am not sure. 

Nevertheless, these kinds of work tarnish the moral integrity of a place. Since we are Asians, this is still considered taboo. In the West, they get their regular check up and are protected by the government.

Anyway, your composition demonstrates your mastery and grammar skills. My suggestions were underlined below for your review. Overall, excellent job!

See you.

-T. Donna~

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
>> They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City isn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.

According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.
>> According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million Won monthly, but they asserted that this subsidy can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
142249 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 0
142248 The effective ways to handle data: AI ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1
142247 Which part of getting old scares you most? ¼­*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1
142246 What regulations do you think countries should have to make a... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 832
142245 International news ÇÑ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1248
142244 Are banks the best place to keep your money in? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1225
142243 Homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 925
142242 Homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1256
142241 What are the things you expect from the class ? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1299
142240 What¡¯s a habit you have that you think might bother others? ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 1149
142239 1/27 homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 0
142238 It¡¯s showing day. Á¶*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-02-03 2
142237 Homework & Question ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1121
142236 What did you enjoy the most about Seollal this year? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1054
142235 Homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1178
142234 Homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 859
142233 Was the last year a good year for you? What were some of its... ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1132
142232 31Jan2025 homework ±è*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1272
142231 27Jan2025 homework ±è*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 1106
142230 HOMEWORK: What should you do to gain more confidence? ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-02 4

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04