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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Are there any disadvantages to using a smartphone too much?

작성자: 이*윤
2025-01-11 1472

회원님의 영작문

Well, there are two main things that come to mind.
First, it cause diseases in people.
Your eyesight will deteriorate as you look at your smartphone too much and use it in the dark. Also, your neck may bend or your back may deteriorate because you bow your head and look at your smartphone. In this case, watching music or videos using smartphones with wireless earphones may lead to poor hearing. Furthermore, because there is everything in the world or smartphones, there could be social problems that cause obesity and lead to lonesome people who prefer to stay alone.
Second, it has a negative impact on people.
In ohter words, people who encounter smartphones easily watch and heard fake news, which can cause disgust and lead to crimes by easily encountering violent and sour videos. In this case, it is children and teenagers who are severely affected. It is becoming an important social issue as the age of access to smartphones is getting younger and younger around the world.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi, 

Thank you for your essay! You did a great job exploring the health and social issues linked to smartphone use. I appreciate how you highlighted the impact on children and teenagers—it's such an important and timely topic.

~ Teacher Gina


Well, there are two main things that come to mind.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: There are two main issues that come to mind.

First, it cause diseases in people.
>>  First, it causes diseases in people.

Your eyesight will deteriorate as you look at your smartphone too much and use it in the dark. 
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Looking at your smartphone too much, especially in the dark, can deteriorate your eyesight.

Also, your neck may bend or your back may deteriorate because you bow your head and look at your smartphone. 
>> Additionally, your neck may bend, or your back may deteriorate from constantly looking down at your smartphone.

In this case, watching music or videos using smartphones with wireless earphones may lead to poor hearing. 
>> In such cases, listening to music or watching videos on your smartphone with wireless earphones can lead to poor hearing.

Furthermore, because there is everything in the world or smartphones, there could be social problems that cause obesity and lead to lonesome people who prefer to stay alone.
>> Furthermore, since smartphones provide access to almost everything, they may contribute to social problems like obesity and encourage loneliness, leading some people to prefer isolation.

Second, it has a negative impact on people.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Secondly, smartphones have a negative impact on people.

In ohter words, people who encounter smartphones easily watch and heard fake news, which can cause disgust and lead to crimes by easily encountering violent and sour videos. 
>> In other words, people who use smartphones easily encounter fake news, which can cause disgust and even lead to criminal behavior due to exposure to violent and harmful content.

In this case, it is children and teenagers who are severely affected. 
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Children and teenagers are particularly affected by this.

It is becoming an important social issue as the age of access to smartphones is getting younger and younger around the world.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: This is becoming a significant social issue as the age of access to smartphones continues to decrease globally.
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141459 What’s the most fun exercise you’ve ever tried? 임*미 완료 2024-12-12 1739
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141457 what are some common reasons people feel guilty? 최*연 완료 2024-12-12 1583
141456 Who is responsible for the care of your health? 이*준 완료 2024-12-12 1487
141455 Homework 이*주 완료 2024-12-11 1616
141454 Homework 김*우 완료 2024-12-11 1
141453 Is having a friend important? Why? 이*윤 완료 2024-12-11 1393
141452 Your efforts will never betray you 임*준 완료 2024-12-11 1517
141451 How do you feel when you learn something new? Does it make you... 이*희 완료 2024-12-11 2
141450 Home work 신*라 완료 2024-12-11 1486
141449 What’s your favorite dessert to order when eating out? 이*범 완료 2024-12-11 9
141448 What’s your go-to breakfast when you’re in a rush? 이*범 완료 2024-12-11 9
141447 Homework 류*주 완료 2024-12-11 1482
141446 Homework 안*도 완료 2024-12-11 1836
141445 What does \'first impressions matter\' mean? Do you agree? 이*유 완료 2024-12-11 0
141444 Homework 이*숙 완료 2024-12-11 1748
141443 homework 이*영 완료 2024-12-11 0

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