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영작교정 게시판

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What can the society/government do to ensure or strengthen children safety in school/academies?

작성자: 문*현
2025-02-12 1501

회원님의 영작문

There must be new regulations which include yearly psychiatric checks for any staff member working in the school and deploying more armored security guards. South Korean’s students are protected with student right which protect student from violence, discrimination and corporal behavior but these rights can be protected under well-functioning school. The suspects were allowed to work in school even though she showed violent behavior to other teachers. The only action that the school took was to make her sit next to principle and ban her from teaching students. If there had been thorough mental assessments of banning the problematic staff members to school, the incident might have been prevented. Also, there was no safety staff prohibiting a victim student from following the teacher. In US where gun violence is prevalent, the school security guards are armored, and they are large numbered. However, in Korea there are few security guards are most of them are deployed in the entrance.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Thank you for this Aciel! Have a good  day ahead.

There must be new regulations which include yearly psychiatric checks for any staff member working in the school and deploying more armored security guards. 
>>> correct  
South Korean’s students are protected with student right which protect student from violence, discrimination and corporal behavior but these rights can be protected under well-functioning school. 
>>> South Korea’s students are protected with student rights which are to protect student from violence, discrimination and corporal behavior but these rights can be protected under well-functioning school.   
>>> OR: South Korean students are protected with student rights which are to protect student from violence, discrimination and corporal behavior but these rights can be protected under well-functioning school.   
The suspects were allowed to work in school even though she showed violent behavior to other teachers. 
>>>  The suspect was allowed to work in school even though she showed violent behavior to other teachers. 
>>>  OR: The suspect was allowed to work in school even though she exhibited violent behaviors towards other teachers. 
The only action that the school took was to make her sit next to principle and ban her from teaching students. 
>>> The only action that the school took was to make her sit next to the principal and banned her from teaching students.   
If there had been thorough mental assessments of banning the problematic staff members to school, the incident might have been prevented.
>>>  If there had been thorough mental assessments of banning the problematic staff members to work in the school, the incident might have been prevented. 
Also, there was no safety staff prohibiting a victim student from following the teacher. 
>>>  Also, there was no security staff to have helped prevent the victim student from following the teacher.  
In US where gun violence is prevalent, the school security guards are armored, and they are large numbered. 
>>>  In the US where gun violence is prevalent, the school security guards are armored, and they are large in number.  
However, in Korea there are few security guards are most of them are deployed in the entrance.
>>> However, in Korea there are few security guards and most of them are stationed at the entrance. 
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