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영작교정 게시판

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서비스 입니다.

Is mental illness still a taboo in your society? What can be done to encourage people to willingly s

작성자: 문*현
2025-02-15 1115

회원님의 영작문

Many Koreans regard mental illness as a disorder. This misconception applies to common ones such as ADHD and depression. Therefore, many people avoid seeking treatment. As a result, mental illness ends up in extreme results such as suicide or murder. This misconception is due to two reasons. The first reason is the influence from Confucianism that views mental health as a sign of fragility, hence bringing shame upon the family. Secondly, there is collectivism culture. Mental illness regarded as a sign of inability to cope as group which led to societal isolation and criticism within a group. To solve the issue, I believe mental therapies must be done privately without leaving a record. Mental treatment record can be easily retrieved by others when requested. For example, many opt out of therapies from fear that their employer can navigate it. Some people might abuse when medical records become anonymous. Still, I believe Korea should start by making people openly take treatments.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Thank you for this Aciel! Enjoy your weekend!

Many Koreans regard mental illness as a disorder. 
>>> correct  
This misconception applies to common ones such as ADHD and depression. 
>>> correct  
>>> OR: This misconception also includes common ones such as ADHD and depression.   
Therefore, many people avoid seeking treatment. 
>>> correct  
As a result, mental illness ends up in extreme results such as suicide or murder. 
>>>  correct  
>>> OR: As a result, mental illness results to severe ramifications such as suicide or murder.   
This misconception is due to two reasons. 
>>> correct    
The first reason is the influence from Confucianism that views mental health as a sign of fragility, hence bringing shame upon the family. 
>>> correct   
Secondly, there is collectivism culture. 
>>> correct   
>>> OR: Second is the existence of a collectivism culture. 
Mental illness regarded as a sign of inability to cope as group which led to societal isolation and criticism within a group. 
>>>   Mental illness is regarded as a sign of inability to cope as a group which led to societal isolation and criticism within a group. 
To solve the issue, I believe mental therapies must be done privately without leaving a record. 
>>> correct
>>> OR: To solve the issue, I believe mental therapies must be done privately and with strict confidentiality.   
Mental treatment record can be easily retrieved by others when requested. 
>>>  correct 
For example, many opt out of therapies from fear that their employer can navigate it. 
>>>  OR: For example, many opt out of therapies from fear that their employer can investigate it.  
Some people might abuse when medical records become anonymous. 
>>> Some people might take advantage of it when medical records become anonymous.   
Still, I believe Korea should start by making people openly take treatments.
>>>  correct  
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[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

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