¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Do you think holidays are too commercialized?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2025-03-02 635

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Here's your corrected composition, In Hwan.  Please take a look at the revisions below. Speak to you tomorrow! 



Cheers,
Jean~~
                            
                          
                            


                                          Do you think holidays are too commercialized?


I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. 
>> I agree that the current holidays are too commercialized. 

When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
>> When I was young, I spent time with my family at home.

But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. 
>> But nowadays, I have to go outside, such as to restaurants, department stores, museums, parks, etc., with my children since they want to experience things they saw on the internet or television. 

Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.
>> Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisements that make many people spend more money during holidays.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
142780 Why people can\'t stop working though they are satisfied with... ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 3
142779 What would you do if you craved chicken in the middle of the... ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 558
142778 What exercises do you think are not suitable for women? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 3
142777 homework Á¶*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 655
142776 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 580
142775 Do you think parties are fun even without alcohol? Why? ³ë*ö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 538
142774 2025.02.27 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 476
142773 What i like to do on a sunny day. ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 2
142772 What¡¯s the most unique food you¡¯ve tried? ¼Û*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 1
142771 2/26 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 1
142770 Talk about an unforgettable experience on a public... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 631
142769 What activities do you like to do on a sunny day? ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 588
142768 [Home work] Do you like meeting new people? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 2
142767 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 620
142766 script Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 660
142765 script Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-27 556
142764 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-26 653
142763 How can workplaces benefit from having a multicultural team? ÀÌ*Áß ¿Ï·á 2025-02-26 1
142762 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-26 0
142761 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-02-26 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04