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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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작성자: 김*인
2025-04-15 858

회원님의 영작문

I have considered running my own business in my imagination. There are various kinds of business that I've thought of. One was a mobile game business. When I was in elementary school, game name 'Bounce Ball' was very popular among my friends. It was about collecting stars on the map of each stage by moving yellow ball that bounces, and it seemed so simple to me. I thought it was far less developed compared to other delicate and sophisticated games. However, this definitely succeeded. At this point I thought creating a game that's very simple but addictive and attractive can be a great idea of business. If the game is simple, cost for producing and research would also be low that it will bring considerable profit. Therefore, I imagined when I was younger that this would be an efficient business item.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello, Ms. WooIn! That's a great entrepreneurial instinct, especially from such a young age! Your observation about Bounce Ball is really insightful. Sometimes the most successful games aren’t the most complex, but the ones that hit the sweet spot of fun and simplicity.
-T. Sonny
I have considered running my own business in my imagination. 
>>Correct!
There are various kinds of business that I've thought of. 
>>There are various kinds of businesses that I’ve thought of.
One was a mobile game business.
>>One idea was starting a mobile game business.
When I was in elementary school, game name 'Bounce Ball' was very popular among my friends. 
>>When I was in elementary school, a game called Bounce Ball was very popular among my friends.
It was about collecting stars on the map of each stage by moving yellow ball that bounces, and it seemed so simple to me. 
>>It was about collecting stars on the map of each stage by moving a yellow ball that bounces, and it seemed so simple to me.
I thought it was far less developed compared to other delicate and sophisticated games. 
>>I thought it was far less developed compared to other, more delicate and sophisticated games.
However, this definitely succeeded. 
>>However, it definitely succeeded.
At this point I thought creating a game that's very simple but addictive and attractive can be a great idea of business. 
>>At that point, I thought that creating a game that’s very simple but addictive and attractive could be a great business idea.
If the game is simple, cost for producing and research would also be low that it will bring considerable profit. 
>>If the game is simple, the cost of production and research would also be low, which could lead to considerable profit.
Therefore, I imagined when I was younger that this would be an efficient business item.
>>Therefore, I imagined when I was younger that this would be an efficient business item.
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