¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

People compete in sports, games, the economy, and many other areas of life. What is good and bad abo

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*À±
2025-04-25 213

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



Long time no see, teahcer!
Please, check the attached file.
Have a nice day!

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello, Ji Yun!
It was really nice to see you again. ^^ Thank you for doing your homework. :>
You¡¯ve shared a thoughtful and clear perspective on both the positive and negative sides of competition. Nice job explaining your points with examples! Let¡¯s work on organizing your ideas into clearer paragraphs and smoothing out some sentence structures to improve flow. Keep it up!

See you next time! ^^
~ Trixia

CONTENT:
The good thing about competition is that you can work on your own to compete with people, knowing your shortcomings.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: The good thing about competition is that it allows you to work independently while recognizing your own shortcomings. 
I think the first things I need to do to win the competition can be to figure myself out. Therefore, you will be able to understand yourself, know what you are lacking, and create a posture to work on your own.
- I think the first step to succeeding in a competition is understanding yourself. By doing so, you can identify your weaknesses and develop the mindset needed to grow on your own.
But there are so many bad things about competition.
- However, there are also many negative aspects of competition.
First, you can try bad things to win the competition.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: First, people may resort to unethical behavior just to win.
If these behaviors are further developed, illegality and corruption will become rampant and society will be unfair.
- If this becomes widespread, it can lead to corruption, illegality, and an unfair society.
Second, it will lead to distrust in all areas.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: Second, excessive competition can lead to distrust.
If competition intesifies, you won't be able to trust people and make real friends that are important, especially for teenagers.
- You may find it hard to trust others or build genuine friendships, which is especially harmful for teenagers.
Third, hierarchies may be created among people.
- CORRECT.
Those who win the competition can be recognized as upper classes, those who lose the competition can be recognized as lower classes, and can be solidfied with solid ideas. 
- Winners may be viewed as superior, while those who lose may be seen as inferior.
If these ideas are fixed, you will see disrespect and arrogance in people in the upper classes, and people in the lower classes will have the qualifications they have.
- If these ideas are fixed, you will see disrespectfulness and arrogance in people in the upper classes, and people in the lower classes will have the qualifications they have.
 Moreover, they can ruin themselves or make them sick, and they'll become a very bad factor in society.
- This may cause people to feel discouraged, harm their mental health, or even lead to self-destruction—becoming a serious issue for society.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144122 Do you prefer shopping alone or with others? ¿©*Âù ÁøÇàÁß 2025-05-15 0
144121 How do you maintain your oral hygiene? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 2
144120 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ÁøÇàÁß 2025-05-15 2
144119 Who in your life inspires you the most, and why? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 16
144118 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 1
144117 Should cyclists be reuired to take a safety course before riding... ¿À*¿µ ÁøÇàÁß 2025-05-15 4
144116 Would you rather have a chill weekend or an active one? ÀÓ* ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 1
144115 Do you think society views aging positively or negatively? Why? ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 14
144114 Homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 12
144113 0514 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 0
144112 The homework for 15th May. Á¶*È£ ÁøÇàÁß 2025-05-15 22
144111 How do you feel nowadays if you receive a handmade gift? ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 1
144110 You mentioned watching Les Miserables today in our class, what... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 23
144109 hw Àü*Çâ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 2
144108 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 18
144107 These days, I think many times about performance of colleagues ÀÌ*Çü ¿Ï·á 2025-05-15 11
144106 Do you like shopping? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 1
144105 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 0
144104 In your view, is it possible to have both a fulfilling career... ±è*°æ ÁøÇàÁß 2025-05-14 23
144103 Should car manufacturers be required to install alcohol... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 34

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04