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D2 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-12 18

회원님의 영작문



D2 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! Thanks for sending me your essay! You're off to a strong start with your ideas, and your essay shows clear structure and relevant personal experiences. However, it could benefit from several improvements in grammar, word choice, and clarity. Here's a detailed set of comments to help you improve it
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Robots and artificial intelligent are being developed to replace humans in the workplace. Why is this happening? Do you think this will have a positive or negative impact on society? (250 words)


While I agree that when many tasks in society are shifted from humans to computers, it can lead to problems such as job loss and decline in human intelligence, I personally think that I personally think that these changes will bring more positive effects overall. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While I agree that automating many tasks in society can lead to problems such as job loss and a decline in human intelligence, I believe these changes will have more positive effects overall. In this essay, I will explain why.

 

The first reason is a security issue.

>>> CORRECT~!^^


For example, when I worked in first company for about ten years ago, all the tasks were done by hand such as security related documents and install software on a computer. 

REVISED: For example, when I worked in first company for about ten years ago, all the tasks were done by hand such as security related documents and install software on a computer.


At that time, important documents were deleted because security solutions were not properly installed on the computer.

REVISED: At that time, important documents were deleted because security solutions were not properly installed on the computer.


If the documents were a personal information document, it would have been a serious problem.

>>> CORRECT~!^^


 Since then, all of the company business systems have been all documents are stored on the computer and checked through an automated inspection solution and install security software automatically. 

REVISED: Since then, all of the company business systems have been all documents are stored on the computer and checked through an automated inspection solution and install security software automatically.


The system has replaced the inspection work done by humans, making it safer.

The second reason is work efficiency. Nowadays, most workers are using an artificial intelligent solution such as ChatGPT, Copilot and Bing for their works. In my case, I often use to ChatGPT when I need to Idea. It reduces my working hours by about 50 percent. For example, most of my work is to apply new ideas to projects, which used to take a lot of time to find information when I ran out of ideas, but after using AI solution, there is a lot of time to find many information, so I have created more ideas.

 >>> CORRECT~!^^


Therefore, Due to these reasons, I believe that the replacement of human jobs by machines in the future can be a positive development.

REVISED: Therefore, Due to these reasons, I believe that the replacement of human jobs by machines in the future can be a positive development.


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