무료 레벨테스트 받고 강사평가 남기면 1,OOO원 쿠폰 즉시 적립!

혹시 사이트에선 찾지 못한 궁금한 점이 있으세요?
남겨주신 이메일을 통해 답변 드리겠습니다.

문의하신 내용이 문자로 발송되오니
연락처를 남겨주세요.
업무시간 월~금 오전9시~오후6시
(점심시간 낮12시~오후1시)

영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

D3 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-14 343

회원님의 영작문



D3 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! A fine afternoon to you! Your essay presents a clear opinion that technological development is more beneficial in reducing crime than it is in encouraging it, which is a strong and relevant stance. You support your argument with real-life examples, such as the use of CCTV. Overall, your argument is well-structured and thoughtful, but it would benefit from a more balanced discussion and some language refinement.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

 

While I agree that technology development increases crime such as digital cybercrime, phishing and identity theft, I personally think that technology development is more effective in preventing crime, likes CCTV, facial recognition systems. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While some argue that technological development encourages crime by enabling cyberattacks, phishing, and identity theft, I believe that it plays a more crucial role in preventing crime. Technologies such as CCTV and facial recognition systems have significantly improved law enforcement capabilities.

 

The first reason is CCTV. According to an article I read, after CCTV cameras were installed in Korea, the crime rate has dropped by approximately 70% compared to ten years ago. This has helped prevent crimes such as sexual offenses and assaults. Also, compared to countries where CCTV is relatively uninstalled, it is said that the violent crime rate was about 90% different. Considering these points, the technology development is very important for our society.

REVISED: The first reason is the impact of CCTV cameras. According to an article I read, after CCTV cameras were installed in South Korea, the crime rate dropped by approximately 70% compared to ten years ago. This significant decline has helped prevent crimes such as sexual offenses and assaults. Additionally, in countries where CCTV installation is less widespread, the violent crime rate is reportedly around 90% higher. These statistics highlight the importance of technological development in enhancing public safety.


The Second reason is facial recognition systems. Advances in the system helped the police catch the suspect within a few hours. In my friend case, his name is Mr. Sim, and he works as a Korean police officer. When he hadn’t been able to find a criminal for months during Covid-19, the criminal accidentally used face authentication to authenticate his mobile bank, so the details of the certification were received by the police, and it was said that it was an opportunity to catch criminals. If these systems had not developed, there would have been fewer ways to find criminals.

REVISED: The second reason is the use of facial recognition systems. Advances in facial recognition technology have helped law enforcement catch criminals more quickly. For instance, a friend of mine, Mr. Sim, who works as a police officer in Korea, shared an experience where a criminal was apprehended just hours after committing a crime. During the COVID-19 pandemic, the suspect accidentally used facial authentication to access his mobile banking app. This action triggered a notification to the police, which led to the swift identification and apprehension of the criminal. If facial recognition technology had not been available, the police would have had fewer means to track down the suspect.

 

Due to these reasons, I believe that the technology development decreases crime, and it can help for our society.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that technological development plays a crucial role in reducing crime and enhancing the safety of society.




번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
144027 Homework 김*님 완료 2025-05-11 392
144026 Homework 김*우 완료 2025-05-11 1
144025 What do you think about school field trips to the Blue House,... 차*진 완료 2025-05-11 364
144024 Are you a morning person? How do you feel when you wake up in... 차*진 완료 2025-05-11 376
144023 Homework. 송*진 완료 2025-05-11 2
144022 What are the benefits of being a reliable employee in your... 윤*인 완료 2025-05-10 0
144021 homework 김*연 완료 2025-05-09 0
144020 homework 김*연 완료 2025-05-09 0
144019 homework 신*라 완료 2025-05-09 444
144018 0509 IELTS writing Task2 homework 송*유 완료 2025-05-09 2
144017 What invention would you like to invent? 이*희 완료 2025-05-09 342
144016 I did not receive 6.5 so I am sending new questionnaires... 이*인 완료 2025-05-09 327
144015 I did not receive 6.5 so I am sending new questionnaires... 이*인 완료 2025-05-09 277
144014 I did not receive 6.5 so I am sending new questionnaires... 이*인 완료 2025-05-09 346
144013 parents affect their children 권*미 완료 2025-05-09 354
144012 ㅣ 조*희 완료 2025-05-09 303
144011 I am using 4 planner on my office desk. 이*형 완료 2025-05-09 365
144010 Do you think getting along with other people is something you... 여*찬 완료 2025-05-09 0
144009 Indi film 양*연 완료 2025-05-09 334
144008 . 김*인 완료 2025-05-09 286

HOW TO USE IT?

[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

수업 횟수만큼 영작교정 게시판이 생성되며,
지난 날짜에도 게시 할 수 있습니다.

주5회 수업 : 월 20회 이용 가능
주3회 수업 : 월 12회 이용 가능
주2회 수업 : 월 08회 이용 가능
01
교정 내용은 최대 1,000byte까지 올릴 수 있습니다.

첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
파일에 대한 첨삭은 불가능 합니다.

업로드 가능한 첨부 파일은 최대 2mb까지이며,
첨부 할 수 있는 파일 형식은 다음과 같습니다.

문서 - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
이미지 - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

와이즈에듀케이션아이(주) 사이트명: 파워잉글리쉬 대표이사 전상현
사업자등록번호: 217-81-44736 통신판매신고번호: 2014-서울도봉-0233호
서울본사: 서울시 노원구 한글비석로 245 두타빌 B동 7층 713호
대표번호 1688-8672 개인정보관리 책임자: 안희영 [powerenglish@pweng.net]