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D6 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-23 115

회원님의 영작문



D6 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! TGIF! Thanks  for your essay today! You clearly state your opinion and stick to it throughout the essay. This makes your argument easy to follow. Although there were still some sentences have grammatical issues or awkward phrasing. SO check the corrections out and keep improving. See you!
>>> TACHER GEMMA

Q. Nowadays, there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?

 

While I agree that it is positive that college entrance examinations have become more difficult these days such as life can be better off, I personally believe that the more competition gets, the more children are ruined. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While some people believe that making college entrance exams more difficult can lead to better opportunities in life, I personally believe that increasing competition has harmful effects on children. In this essay, I will explain my reasons for this belief.


The first reason is that children in Korea do not have dreams but only find ways to make money. This situation seems to have been created by adults because most adults in Korean grow up with difficulty, so they believe that can change in their children life by studying. That’s why Koreans parents spend a lot of money on their children to send them to academies. However, these situations are not good for children due to they only study at an age that should have been a dream. These problems can be like machines that only make money when they become adults without wanting to do anything.

REVISED: The first reason is that many children in Korea no longer pursue their dreams, but instead focus only on making money. This mindset seems to have been created by adults, as many of them experienced hardship growing up and believe their children can have a better life through studying. That is why many Korean parents spend large amounts of money on private academies for their children. However, this situation is not good for young people, as they spend their entire childhood studying instead of exploring their interests and dreams. As a result, they may grow up to become adults who work only for money, without any passion or sense of purpose.


The second reason is that the more competition intensifies, the more pressure children are put on. For instance, in areas such as Daechi-dong in Seoul, students attend multiple private academies every day, starting from elementary school. They often eat quick meals from convenience stores and go home late at night, with barely enough time to rest. This lifestyle creates constant pressure and reduces time for free play and personal development.

REVISED: The second reason is that increased competition places a heavy burden on children. For example, in areas like Daechi-dong in Seoul, students attend several private academies each day, starting from elementary school. They often eat quick meals from convenience stores and return home late at night, leaving them with little time to rest. This kind of lifestyle causes constant stress and limits opportunities for free play and personal development.


Due to these reasons, I believe that more competition for getting into university is not good for children.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that increasing competition for university admission is ultimately harmful to children.


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