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D6 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-27 357

회원님의 영작문



D6 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! Thanks for your essay! You present a clear stance on the topic, and your main idea—supporting the use of alternatives to animal products—is consistent throughout the essay. Your points about technological advancements in clothing and plant-based foods are relevant and meaningful. However, there are a few areas where your essay could be improved.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. In the modern world, using animals for food or animal products, such as clothing and medicines, is no longer necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

While I agree that it is better to make products using animals such as winter padded jacket or blanket, I personally believe that there is technology to make better products without using animals when making products.

REVISED: While I agree that products like padded jackets or blankets made from animals can be effective, I believe we now have the technology to create better products without using animals.


 In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

( Acceptable, but a bit unnecessary in short essays. Consider combining with the previous sentence or removing. ) 


The first reason is making good enough products with alternative materials. 

REVISED: The first reason is that we can now make high-quality products using alternative materials.


Instance of attire, these days, with technological advances, we feel warm enough even if we no longer make it out of animal hair like Goose.

REVISED: For example, in clothing, technological advancements allow us to stay warm without using animal products like goose down.


The second reason is making good dishes with vegetable such as beans and tofu. 

REVISED: The second reason is that we can create delicious dishes using plant-based ingredients such as beans and tofu.


For example, many restaurants have more case of making steaks using beans instead of cattle of pork. 

REVISED: For example, many restaurants now offer steaks made from beans instead of beef or pork.


Additionally, not only does it taste similar, but it is also good for your health.

REVISED: In addition to tasting similar, these alternatives are also healthier.


More detail, according to the results of the study, meat made of beans is said to be more than 40% healthy because it has higher nutrients than other meats.

REVISED: More specifically, studies show that bean-based meat alternatives can be over 40% healthier because they contain more nutrients.


 In the future, I think we will be able to eat delicious food while maintaining a healthy life without having to raise animals anymore.

REVISED: In the future, I believe we will be able to enjoy tasty, nutritious food without needing to raise animals.


Due to these reasons, I believe that I don’t think we need to use animals for our food and clothing anymore.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe we no longer need to use animals for food or clothing.

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01
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첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
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04