¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

D6 essay homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼ö
2025-05-27 849

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



D6 essay homework

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Aiden! Thanks for your essay! You present a clear stance on the topic, and your main idea—supporting the use of alternatives to animal products—is consistent throughout the essay. Your points about technological advancements in clothing and plant-based foods are relevant and meaningful. However, there are a few areas where your essay could be improved.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. In the modern world, using animals for food or animal products, such as clothing and medicines, is no longer necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

While I agree that it is better to make products using animals such as winter padded jacket or blanket, I personally believe that there is technology to make better products without using animals when making products.

REVISED: While I agree that products like padded jackets or blankets made from animals can be effective, I believe we now have the technology to create better products without using animals.


 In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

( Acceptable, but a bit unnecessary in short essays. Consider combining with the previous sentence or removing. ) 


The first reason is making good enough products with alternative materials. 

REVISED: The first reason is that we can now make high-quality products using alternative materials.


Instance of attire, these days, with technological advances, we feel warm enough even if we no longer make it out of animal hair like Goose.

REVISED: For example, in clothing, technological advancements allow us to stay warm without using animal products like goose down.


The second reason is making good dishes with vegetable such as beans and tofu. 

REVISED: The second reason is that we can create delicious dishes using plant-based ingredients such as beans and tofu.


For example, many restaurants have more case of making steaks using beans instead of cattle of pork. 

REVISED: For example, many restaurants now offer steaks made from beans instead of beef or pork.


Additionally, not only does it taste similar, but it is also good for your health.

REVISED: In addition to tasting similar, these alternatives are also healthier.


More detail, according to the results of the study, meat made of beans is said to be more than 40% healthy because it has higher nutrients than other meats.

REVISED: More specifically, studies show that bean-based meat alternatives can be over 40% healthier because they contain more nutrients.


 In the future, I think we will be able to eat delicious food while maintaining a healthy life without having to raise animals anymore.

REVISED: In the future, I believe we will be able to enjoy tasty, nutritious food without needing to raise animals.


Due to these reasons, I believe that I don¡¯t think we need to use animals for our food and clothing anymore.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe we no longer need to use animals for food or clothing.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
142390 What do you think are the negative effects of tourism? °­*À² ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 3
142389 What kind of music do you listen to when you\'re sad? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1724
142388 Have you ever tried any extreme sports? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1605
142387 What kind of news do you often read or watch? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1794
142386 vested rights ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1541
142385 Talk about the most interesting book that you read. ÀÓ*ºñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1595
142384 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1
142383 Who would you like to see perform live, and why? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 2
142382 Homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1503
142381 Homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1534
142380 Homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1750
142379 Do you think you need pocket money? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1677
142378 To what extent should parents be involved in their children\'s... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1590
142377 Do you like your neighborhood? ¼®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-09 1454
142376 What are the limits of human reasoning? ¼Û*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-08 2
142375 parents or school ¾î*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-08 2
142374 Are you satisfied with your government\'s response to climate... ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-02-08 3
142373 What is the best benefit for an employee? Why? ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2025-02-08 1835
142372 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-07 1725
142371 What¡¯s the most frustrating thing that happened to you recently? ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-02-07 1507

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04