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D7 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-30 71

회원님의 영작문



D7 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! Thanks for writing today! You make some good points about the value of international travel, especially for young people. That said, the grammar, vocabulary, and sentence structure need improvement to make your ideas more precise and professional. Below is a revised version of your essay with corrections and improvements, while keeping your original ideas:
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

While I agree that visiting to increase of international regions harmful, for example, the domestic tourism industry slump, I personally believe that the international travel increase more advantage, especially young people. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While I agree that increasing international travel can have negative effects—such as causing a slump in the domestic tourism industry—I personally believe that the rise in international travel brings more advantages, especially for young people. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.


The first reason is that many visited to international regions who young students can help to broaden their horizons. For example, the young generations need to be understanding to other culture, because a diverse profession will be globalized in the future. In more detail, the industry demands someone who can speak English as a base in these days. In order to do that, young people should go to other country for studying and experiences.

REVISED: The first reason is that international travel helps young students broaden their horizons. For example, the younger generation needs to understand other cultures, as future professions will become more globalized. More specifically, many industries today require people who can speak English as a common language. To gain these skills and global perspectives, young people should study and gain experience abroad.


The second reason is experience. This is because that travel of international can feel other cultural such as foods, historical site and the way of a foreigner lives. It is help to when having a hard time. In my case, many year working at the same job, I decided to make a change in my life and pursue a new career path, but I couldn’t change my work place, because regular expenses like a utility bills. At that time, I remembered that I lived in Canada in my 20s. In those days, I left without anything. These days, I decided to quit my job, study English and find a job in another country. Like this, international experiences help to solve when I concerned.

REVISED: The second reason is personal growth through experience. Traveling internationally allows people to experience different cultures through food, historical sites, and local lifestyles. These experiences can be valuable during difficult times. For instance, after working at the same job for many years, I wanted a change in my life and a new career path. However, I couldn’t easily switch jobs due to regular expenses like utility bills. At that time, I remembered living in Canada in my 20s. Back then, I left without much, but it was a valuable experience. Thinking about that time gave me the courage to quit my job, study English, and search for work in another country. In this way, international experiences helped me make important life decisions.


Due to theses reasons, I believe that diverse regions experience can help to when I have a problem, and also these things help get a variety of job opportunities.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that experiencing different countries not only helps people through difficult times but also opens up more job opportunities.


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