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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

In your opinion, what can be done to prevent wars from breaking out in the first place ?

작성자: 오*영
2025-06-12 119

회원님의 영작문

I think that this is equal with in a family.
If we can understand each other and considerate the other one,
If we admit that we are different person,
I think we don't have any fights, and it won't be exist to create wars in the world.
But they are always trying to give some proof which is right to each other.
Also they are wanting to win all aspects.
However we can live well when we can collaborate with others.
We have to remember that we cannot live alone.


Hello Elly.
There was party in my town, yesterday.
So It had an machine to pick up some items if we put in a coin.
My son is really like this machine but I usually permit to try only under 5000 won.
However he didn't need to control from mom, because I wasn't here.
He called and informed me that spent all his money to pick it up in the machine.
But I couldn't yell him because he was happy.
I feel like too long a day, but It's too short a week.
It is coming closely this Friday.
See you in this class.
Thank you.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi Stella,
Once again, thank you for taking the time to respond to this essay. :)
I really appreciate your perspective, it’s thoughtful and meaningful. I truly hope there will be no more wars anywhere in the world. Instead, we should all focus on love and peace. If we do, I believe our world can become beautiful again. 
That’s awesome! I enjoy playing claw machines too! I'm glad to hear your son had a great time at the party yesterday.
Hang in there! Just one more day to go! You've got this! :)
- Teacher Elly~


I think that this is equal with in a family.
>> I think this is the same as in a family.
 
If we can understand each other and considerate the other one, If we admit that we are different person, I think we don't have any fights, and it won't be exist to create wars in the world.
>> If we can understand each other and be considerate of one another, and if we admit that we are different people, I think we wouldn't fight, and wars wouldn't exist in the world.

But they are always trying to give some proof which is right to each other.
>> But they are always trying to prove that they are right to each other.

Also they are wanting to win all aspects.
>> They also want to win in every aspect.

However we can live well when we can collaborate with others.
>> However, we can live well when we collaborate with others.

We have to remember that we cannot live alone.
>> CORRECT

Hello Elly.
>> Hello, Elly.

There was party in my town, yesterday.
>> There was a party in my town yesterday.
 
So It had an machine to pick up some items if we put in a coin.
>> There was a machine where you could pick up items by inserting a coin.

My son is really like this machine but I usually permit to try only under 5000 won.
>> My son really likes this kind of machine, but I usually only permit him to spend up to 5,000 won.
OR >> My son really likes this kind of machine, but I usually only allow him to spend up to 5,000 won.

However he didn't need to control from mom, because I wasn't here.
>> However, he didn’t need to be controlled by me, because I wasn’t there.

He called and informed me that spent all his money to pick it up in the machine.
>> He called and told me that he spent all his money trying to get something from the machine.
OR >> He called and informed me that he spent all his money trying to get something from the machine.

But I couldn't yell him because he was happy.
>> But I couldn’t scold him because he was happy.

I feel like too long a day, but It's too short a week.
>> The days feel too long, but the week feels too short.

It is coming closely this Friday.
>> Friday is coming soon.

See you in this class.
>> See you in class.
OR >> See you later in our class.

Thank you.
>> CORRECT
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첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
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첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
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