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Writing homework

작성자: 박*원
2025-07-03 367

회원님의 영작문



Hi, Gemma. I always appreciate your help :) See you tomorrow!

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good day to Ji Won! It's Friday! ;) How's your week going? Anyway, I'm grateful for your showing diligence in writing your essay! Keep it up! Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and attempts to support it with reasoning and examples. You show a good understanding of both sides of the argument, which is great. However, the essay would benefit from improvements in grammar, sentence structure, logical flow, and word choice to make your ideas clearer and more persuasive.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

There is disagreement regarding the issue of whether dangerous sports should be prohibited. The main point of contention is related to human life, but personally I believe that the government should not prohibit people from doing extreme sports. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


Because emotional benefits are more important than their lives in modern society.

>>>This is because emotional well-being is considered highly important in modern society.

( “Because…” needs a full sentence.)


In most cases, extreme sports are allowed because this can lead to positive effect on people’s emotion.

>>> In most cases, extreme sports are permitted because they can have a positive effect on people’s emotions.

positive effect” → needs article: a positive effect

emotion” → should be emotions

Subject-verb agreement: this can lead → they can have


 For example, a recently published study illustrates that these extreme activities such as skydiving and rock climbing produce more dopamine that makes palpitation and happiness in the body.

>>> For example, a recent study shows that extreme activities like skydiving and rock climbing increase dopamine levels, which are associated with excitement and happiness.


 Therefore, many individuals who want to get out of their daily lives which are routinely passed every day tend to refresh their mind by activities because of sharply increasing dopamine. 

>>> Therefore, many individuals who want a break from their routine tend to refresh their minds through these activities, as increased dopamine helps improve their mood.

( Awkward phrasing: “daily lives which are routinely passed every day” → too repetitive)


This shows that extreme sports are beneficial for people who want to be out of daily living.

>>> This shows that extreme sports can benefit people who want to escape their everyday routine.


In contrast, it is true that the government should ban dangerous activities. The main reason is that it is related to people’s lives directly. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


For instance, sometimes, accidents that make people die have been occurred due to lack of safety devices. 

>>> For example, fatal accidents have occurred due to a lack of proper safety equipment.

make people die” → incorrect; say “fatal accidents”

have been occurred” → incorrect passive voice. Use “have occurred”


Most of them had been able to prevent if the devices have been checked properly. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


Of course it isn’t frequent accidents, but we should prevent these events and have to think that it could be happen to us.

>>> Of course, such accidents are not frequent, but we should still take precautions and consider that they could happen to anyone.

“it could be happen” → incorrect; should be “they could happen”


In conclusion, prohibiting extreme sports is a contentious topic because there are opinions that support and oppose this basic idea. However, I personally believe that the government should allow extreme activities unless there aren’t safety issues about devices.

>>> In conclusion, banning extreme sports is a controversial issue, with valid arguments on both sides. However, I believe the government should allow extreme sports as long as proper safety measures are in place.

( Clearer and smoother way to express your final opinion)


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