¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Writing homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*¿ø
2025-07-03 147

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



Hi, Gemma. I always appreciate your help :) See you tomorrow!

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good day to Ji Won! It's Friday! ;) How's your week going? Anyway, I'm grateful for your showing diligence in writing your essay! Keep it up! Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and attempts to support it with reasoning and examples. You show a good understanding of both sides of the argument, which is great. However, the essay would benefit from improvements in grammar, sentence structure, logical flow, and word choice to make your ideas clearer and more persuasive.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

There is disagreement regarding the issue of whether dangerous sports should be prohibited. The main point of contention is related to human life, but personally I believe that the government should not prohibit people from doing extreme sports. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


Because emotional benefits are more important than their lives in modern society.

>>>This is because emotional well-being is considered highly important in modern society.

( ¡°Because¡¦¡± needs a full sentence.)


In most cases, extreme sports are allowed because this can lead to positive effect on people¡¯s emotion.

>>> In most cases, extreme sports are permitted because they can have a positive effect on people¡¯s emotions.

positive effect¡± ¡æ needs article: a positive effect

emotion¡± ¡æ should be emotions

Subject-verb agreement: this can lead ¡æ they can have


 For example, a recently published study illustrates that these extreme activities such as skydiving and rock climbing produce more dopamine that makes palpitation and happiness in the body.

>>> For example, a recent study shows that extreme activities like skydiving and rock climbing increase dopamine levels, which are associated with excitement and happiness.


 Therefore, many individuals who want to get out of their daily lives which are routinely passed every day tend to refresh their mind by activities because of sharply increasing dopamine. 

>>> Therefore, many individuals who want a break from their routine tend to refresh their minds through these activities, as increased dopamine helps improve their mood.

( Awkward phrasing: ¡°daily lives which are routinely passed every day¡± ¡æ too repetitive)


This shows that extreme sports are beneficial for people who want to be out of daily living.

>>> This shows that extreme sports can benefit people who want to escape their everyday routine.


In contrast, it is true that the government should ban dangerous activities. The main reason is that it is related to people¡¯s lives directly. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


For instance, sometimes, accidents that make people die have been occurred due to lack of safety devices. 

>>> For example, fatal accidents have occurred due to a lack of proper safety equipment.

make people die¡± ¡æ incorrect; say ¡°fatal accidents¡±

have been occurred¡± ¡æ incorrect passive voice. Use ¡°have occurred¡±


Most of them had been able to prevent if the devices have been checked properly. 

>>> THIS IS CLEAR ANG GRAMMATICALLY FINE. GOOD JOB!


Of course it isn¡¯t frequent accidents, but we should prevent these events and have to think that it could be happen to us.

>>> Of course, such accidents are not frequent, but we should still take precautions and consider that they could happen to anyone.

¡°it could be happen¡± ¡æ incorrect; should be ¡°they could happen¡±


In conclusion, prohibiting extreme sports is a contentious topic because there are opinions that support and oppose this basic idea. However, I personally believe that the government should allow extreme activities unless there aren¡¯t safety issues about devices.

>>> In conclusion, banning extreme sports is a controversial issue, with valid arguments on both sides. However, I believe the government should allow extreme sports as long as proper safety measures are in place.

( Clearer and smoother way to express your final opinion)


¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
143870 Do you think remote working will be more common in the future? ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 850
143869 If you could learn something new (anything), what would it be... ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 789
143868 What are the current national issues that the next president... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 831
143867 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 3
143866 homework ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 771
143865 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 0
143864 Despite the side effects that come with it, is this weight-loss... ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 675
143863 Is giving up some privacy the price we pay for convenience? ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 1049
143862 How do you show your appreciation to someone who does his/her... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 1
143861 Pencil is important to everyone. À¯*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 690
143860 Do you think remote working will be more common in the future? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 794
143859 How do you usually feel when a coworker invites you to meet up... À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 1
143858 homework ÀÌ*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 681
143857 2025.04.25 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 1007
143856 0425 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 0
143855 2025.04.24 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 718
143854 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 670
143853 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 865
143852 Homework. ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 2
143851 To save face ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-04-28 688

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04