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Writing homework

작성자: 박*원
2025-07-06 292

회원님의 영작문



Hi, Gemma. Did you rest well? See you tomorrow :)

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there! I had a busy weekend Ji Won! Thanks for asking ;) What about you? I hope you had a great time with Aiden and your puppy. Thanks for your effort in doing your essay.  You provide both sides of the argument, which is excellent for a balanced essay. You've also given strong examples, especially the cultural references. See you later!

>>> TEACHER GEMMA

It is a common belief that the goal of education is making individuals do specific roles for society.

REVISED: It is a common belief that the goal of education is to prepare individuals for specific roles in society.


 However, there is a more persuasive argument that the purpose of education is to help people to make their targets and get them. 

REVISED: However, a more persuasive argument is that the purpose of education is to help people set and achieve their goals.


This is because people should pursue their individualities and lives, while they are composing the society.

REVISED: This is because people should pursue their individuality and personal lives while contributing to society.


On the one hand, there are some essential people for society, so school should aim to help students to be valuable for society. 

REVISED: On the one hand, some roles are essential for society, so schools should aim to help students become valuable contributors.


For example, doctors, teachers or fire fighters play a vital role in society. Thanks to their help and efforts, our society can make productive results which are beneficial to patients, students, or someone.

REVISED: For example, doctors, teachers, and firefighters play vital roles in society. Thanks to their efforts, society can function effectively, benefiting patients, students, and the public.


On the other hand, I support the idea that helping individuals to achieve their ambitions should be the purpose of education.

REVISED: On the other hand, I believe that helping individuals achieve their ambitions should be the primary purpose of education.


 Education is the way of searching student’s interests and abilities and developing them.

REVISED: Education allows students to explore their interests and abilities and develop them.


 Moreover, sometimes achieving their goal can help for society.

REVISED: Moreover, achieving personal goals can sometimes benefit society.


 In terms of entertaining, K-pop and Squid Game are the examples.

REVISED: In the field of entertainment, K-pop and Squid Game are strong examples.


 To be specific, Republic of Korea is known for Gangnam style which is a song of a Korean singer, BTS and Squid Game. 

REVISED: Specifically, South Korea is known for “Gangnam Style” by PSY, BTS, and Squid Game.


All the examples are outcome of personal creativity. 

REVISED: All of these are the result of personal creativity.


In conclusion, when it comes to education, pursuing individual’s ambitions is effective on both society and themselves.

REVISED: In conclusion, when it comes to education, supporting individuals in pursuing their ambitions benefits both society and the individual.


To sum up, while it is apparent that making students become useful people is needed for society, it is undeniable that in education, the purpose should be helping individuals to achieve their goals.

REVISED: To sum up, while it is clear that preparing students to contribute to society is important, the primary purpose of education should be to help individuals achieve their personal goals.

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