¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Writing homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*¿ø
2025-07-06 107

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



Hi, Gemma. Did you rest well? See you tomorrow :)

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there! I had a busy weekend Ji Won! Thanks for asking ;) What about you? I hope you had a great time with Aiden and your puppy. Thanks for your effort in doing your essay.  You provide both sides of the argument, which is excellent for a balanced essay. You've also given strong examples, especially the cultural references. See you later!

>>> TEACHER GEMMA

It is a common belief that the goal of education is making individuals do specific roles for society.

REVISED: It is a common belief that the goal of education is to prepare individuals for specific roles in society.


 However, there is a more persuasive argument that the purpose of education is to help people to make their targets and get them. 

REVISED: However, a more persuasive argument is that the purpose of education is to help people set and achieve their goals.


This is because people should pursue their individualities and lives, while they are composing the society.

REVISED: This is because people should pursue their individuality and personal lives while contributing to society.


On the one hand, there are some essential people for society, so school should aim to help students to be valuable for society. 

REVISED: On the one hand, some roles are essential for society, so schools should aim to help students become valuable contributors.


For example, doctors, teachers or fire fighters play a vital role in society. Thanks to their help and efforts, our society can make productive results which are beneficial to patients, students, or someone.

REVISED: For example, doctors, teachers, and firefighters play vital roles in society. Thanks to their efforts, society can function effectively, benefiting patients, students, and the public.


On the other hand, I support the idea that helping individuals to achieve their ambitions should be the purpose of education.

REVISED: On the other hand, I believe that helping individuals achieve their ambitions should be the primary purpose of education.


 Education is the way of searching student¡¯s interests and abilities and developing them.

REVISED: Education allows students to explore their interests and abilities and develop them.


 Moreover, sometimes achieving their goal can help for society.

REVISED: Moreover, achieving personal goals can sometimes benefit society.


 In terms of entertaining, K-pop and Squid Game are the examples.

REVISED: In the field of entertainment, K-pop and Squid Game are strong examples.


 To be specific, Republic of Korea is known for Gangnam style which is a song of a Korean singer, BTS and Squid Game. 

REVISED: Specifically, South Korea is known for ¡°Gangnam Style¡± by PSY, BTS, and Squid Game.


All the examples are outcome of personal creativity. 

REVISED: All of these are the result of personal creativity.


In conclusion, when it comes to education, pursuing individual¡¯s ambitions is effective on both society and themselves.

REVISED: In conclusion, when it comes to education, supporting individuals in pursuing their ambitions benefits both society and the individual.


To sum up, while it is apparent that making students become useful people is needed for society, it is undeniable that in education, the purpose should be helping individuals to achieve their goals.

REVISED: To sum up, while it is clear that preparing students to contribute to society is important, the primary purpose of education should be to help individuals achieve their personal goals.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144404 Are there any challenges or concerns with early voting in Korea? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 2
144403 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 483
144402 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 1
144401 Homework ±è*¿î ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 0
144400 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 1
144399 What can younger people learn from spending more time with older... ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 506
144398 Do you prefer small gatherings or big celebrations? Why? Á¶*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 845
144397 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 478
144396 D8 essay homework ±è*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 477
144395 Homework ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 1
144394 What do you consider to be your weakness? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 3
144393 homework ¹Ú*¿í ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 620
144392 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-02 532
144391 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 535
144390 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 1
144389 How are hobbies now different from hobbies in the past? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 1
144388 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 1
144387 What type of test is easy for you to answer? ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 0
144386 What is the most useful exercise you can think of? Explain. Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-01 504
144385 How do you feel about traveling alone? ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-31 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04