¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Do you think technology helps or hurts our sleep? How?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-18 222

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I think we will get different result depends on how we use.
Most of technologies have been invented to help people's life. But we need to use it properly.
Let's say that using a cell phone.
If we use a cell phone before getting sleep then it can't be help for us to get a good sleep.
But we must not judge that the cell phone is very harmful for us with that case.
The cell phone is very useful tool when we utilize it properly.
It is very important that the technologies are not guilty, but we are because the users are us.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Lydia!
Thank you for your thoughtful writing! You made some great points. Just a few tips: watch for article use (¡°a tool,¡± not ¡°tool¡±), and try to match plurals correctly (like ¡°technologies¡± with ¡°them¡±). You're doing a great job. Keep it up!
~~Teacher Kate

I think we will get different result depends on how we use.
>>I think we will get different results depending on how we use them.
Most of technologies have been invented to help people's life.
>>Most technologies have been invented to help people¡¯s lives.
But we need to use it properly.
>>CORRECT!
>>OR: But we need to use them properly.
Let's say that using a cell phone.
>>Let¡¯s take using a cell phone as an example.
If we use a cell phone before getting sleep then it can't be help for us to get a good sleep.
>>If we use a cell phone before sleeping, it won¡¯t help us get good sleep.
But we must not judge that the cell phone is very harmful for us with that case.
>>But we must not judge that the cell phone is harmful based on that case alone.
The cell phone is very useful tool when we utilize it properly.
>>The cell phone is a very useful tool when we utilize it properly.
It is very important that the technologies are not guilty, but we are because the users are us.
>> It is important to remember that technology is not to blame, we are, because we are the users.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144084 what is your idea of a perfect weekend? ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 878
144083 D3 essay homework ±è*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 824
144082 Homework ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 1
144081 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-14 992
144080 Do we need to work to maintain friendships? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144079 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1
144078 Are there pickpockets in your country? Write about pickpocketing... Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 847
144077 What do you think of every time you visit the dentist? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 883
144076 Write about your trip to Seoul during the long holiday. Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 920
144075 What\'s the most useful pet in the world? Why? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 991
144074 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 899
144073 homework ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 947
144072 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 774
144071 What are some differences between Korea and the philippines that... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 857
144070 What is some good news that changed your life? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 995
144069 Is having a cast-iron stomach always a good thing? Why or why... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 850
144068 What are the challenges you¡¯ve faced in helping your son purse... ¿À*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1104
144067 0512 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144066 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1
144065 fine ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04