¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourage

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-22 44

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. The technology is not blame. Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Ms. Lydia. Thanks for doing your first homework!  You made a strong point- that technology itself isn¡¯t to blame for crimes; it's how people use it that matters. This is an insightful and important perspective. Keep it up! See you tomorrow. 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. 
REVISED: Technology has developed a lot over the past few decades.

For some decades¡± -> more natural as "over the past few decades.

And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
REVISED: Our lives have changed significantly due to the development of technology.

I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
REVISED: I believe the motivation behind inventing technology is generally good, but some people have used it for criminal purposes.

For crime¡± -> better phrased as "for criminal purposes.

So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. 
REVISED: So, we shouldn't assume that crime has increased because of technological development; rather, the number of people misusing it for crime has increased.

The technology is not blame.
REVISED: Technology itself is not to blame.

Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.
REVISED: Some people commit crimes, and it's our responsibility to use technology properly.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144890 What genre of movies or dramas do you enjoy? Why do you like... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 176
144889 speech ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 2
144888 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 169
144887 how to avoid common parenting mistakes ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 159
144886 Homework. ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 1
144885 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 166
144884 I didn\'t printed the handout for presentations in my office. ÀÌ*Çü ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 159
144883 Writing homework ¹Ú*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 161
144882 D12 essay homework ±è*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-07-02 1072
144881 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 169
144880 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 141
144879 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 0
144878 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 151
144877 Which word would best describe you as a worker/student? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 146
144876 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 176
144875 When you¡¯re sick, what¡¯s your go-to comfort food or drink? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 0
144874 What\'s the scariest animal in the world and why? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 149
144873 Do you prefer the sunset or the sunrise, and why? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 182
144872 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 149
144871 I like meeting new people ¼Õ*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2025-07-01 153

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04