¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourage

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-22 98

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. The technology is not blame. Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Ms. Lydia. Thanks for doing your first homework!  You made a strong point- that technology itself isn¡¯t to blame for crimes; it's how people use it that matters. This is an insightful and important perspective. Keep it up! See you tomorrow. 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. 
REVISED: Technology has developed a lot over the past few decades.

For some decades¡± -> more natural as "over the past few decades.

And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
REVISED: Our lives have changed significantly due to the development of technology.

I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
REVISED: I believe the motivation behind inventing technology is generally good, but some people have used it for criminal purposes.

For crime¡± -> better phrased as "for criminal purposes.

So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. 
REVISED: So, we shouldn't assume that crime has increased because of technological development; rather, the number of people misusing it for crime has increased.

The technology is not blame.
REVISED: Technology itself is not to blame.

Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.
REVISED: Some people commit crimes, and it's our responsibility to use technology properly.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144664 What do you think is the biggest change in how families are in... ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 0
144663 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 2
144662 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 273
144661 How is our accent affected by our birthplace? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 354
144660 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 260
144659 No, I don\'t want to try banana ketchup. À¯*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 328
144658 What can younger people learn from spending more time with older... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 287
144657 The economy is always a significant concern. How is the Korean... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 317
144656 How would you feel if someone canceled on you at the last minute? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 324
144655 What is the best local event or festival in your country? Why? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 308
144654 Homework. ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 1
144653 food price ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 357
144652 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 291
144651 Do you think visiting new places is more enjoyable alone or with... Á¶*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 278
144650 What are the possible benefit of working weekends? ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 1
144649 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 246
144648 0617 IELTS writing Task1 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-18 1
144647 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-17 0
144646 Do you think that governments should encourage public transport... ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-06-17 0
144645 What are three things you like about yourself? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-17 193

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04