¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourage

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-22 124

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. The technology is not blame. Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Ms. Lydia. Thanks for doing your first homework!  You made a strong point- that technology itself isn¡¯t to blame for crimes; it's how people use it that matters. This is an insightful and important perspective. Keep it up! See you tomorrow. 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. 
REVISED: Technology has developed a lot over the past few decades.

For some decades¡± -> more natural as "over the past few decades.

And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
REVISED: Our lives have changed significantly due to the development of technology.

I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
REVISED: I believe the motivation behind inventing technology is generally good, but some people have used it for criminal purposes.

For crime¡± -> better phrased as "for criminal purposes.

So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. 
REVISED: So, we shouldn't assume that crime has increased because of technological development; rather, the number of people misusing it for crime has increased.

The technology is not blame.
REVISED: Technology itself is not to blame.

Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.
REVISED: Some people commit crimes, and it's our responsibility to use technology properly.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144366 ¼÷Á¦ ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 783
144365 >> What are your thoughts on the drinking culture in Korean... ±è*ÀÏ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 677
144364 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 1
144363 At would age would like to become independent from your parents?... Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 707
144362 What are your thoughts on voice acting culture in China? ÀÓ* ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 2
144361 The economy is always an important issue. How is the Korean... ÀÓ* ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144360 Why do people have hobbies? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144359 What¡¯s the most unusual souvenir you¡¯ve ever seen? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 814
144358 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 1
144357 When was the last time you realized that you are having \"bad... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 662
144356 What skills would you like to learn in the future? Explain Á¶*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 690
144355 Homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 859
144354 Homework ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 2
144353 Homework ¼Û*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 3
144352 (Homework) Are there funeral practices in your country that you... ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 657
144351 (Homework) Do you like meeting new people? ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 883
144350 Before, plastic surgery was a big issue, but now it is... ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 715
144349 (Homework) Where is your ideal place for a long vacation and why? ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 823
144348 0529 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144347 earlier ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04