¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourage

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Èñ
2025-07-22 197

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. The technology is not blame. Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there Ms. Lydia. Thanks for doing your first homework!  You made a strong point- that technology itself isn¡¯t to blame for crimes; it's how people use it that matters. This is an insightful and important perspective. Keep it up! See you tomorrow. 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Technology has been developed a lot for some decades. 
REVISED: Technology has developed a lot over the past few decades.

For some decades¡± -> more natural as "over the past few decades.

And Our lives are very changed a lot by developing of the technologies.
REVISED: Our lives have changed significantly due to the development of technology.

I think that the motivation of the invention technology would have be good but some people has used it for crime.
REVISED: I believe the motivation behind inventing technology is generally good, but some people have used it for criminal purposes.

For crime¡± -> better phrased as "for criminal purposes.

So we don't need to believe that the crime has been increased by the technology development, a number of people who utilize it for crime is increased. 
REVISED: So, we shouldn't assume that crime has increased because of technological development; rather, the number of people misusing it for crime has increased.

The technology is not blame.
REVISED: Technology itself is not to blame.

Some criminals are bad and we have a duty that we have to use the technology properly.
REVISED: Some people commit crimes, and it's our responsibility to use technology properly.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144075 What\'s the most useful pet in the world? Why? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 984
144074 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 887
144073 homework ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 937
144072 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 760
144071 What are some differences between Korea and the philippines that... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 848
144070 What is some good news that changed your life? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 987
144069 Is having a cast-iron stomach always a good thing? Why or why... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 844
144068 What are the challenges you¡¯ve faced in helping your son purse... ¿À*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1096
144067 0512 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144066 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1
144065 fine ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144064 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144063 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1
144062 Do you think vlogging can be a successful career? Why or why not? À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 0
144061 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 887
144060 2025.05.09 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 968
144059 2025.05.07 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 1032
144058 Trump ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 877
144057 The homework for 13th May. Á¶*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 911
144056 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-13 918

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04