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Homework_Lesson1_Part2

작성자: 이*인
2025-07-31 14

회원님의 영작문

Topic: Tourist Attraction

[included: when/where/whom/what I liked]

I went to Sapporo, Japan on christmas week in 2023 with my friend. And we planned to go to the place where we can view the christmas tree which is so popular and famous that many tourists come to see. Though we departed early, we reached there in afternoon. Also, it was getting dark we walking to the spot. in the middle moment, we checked if somebody's there but no ones there except us. Because the place was isolated, we judged that no more pearson would come here. Plus, we smelled someting odd, bears' poops we guessed, and we were in the non-trival situation. In the result, we decided to go back to the train station. To make matters worse, I lost my phone on the wat back to the station. That expreience made us frustrated at first, however, when we remind our trip, It came first of all as well. The weather of Sapporo and the departed place stimultaneously were able to be in harmony and made our trip more impressive.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hey, Su In! I can see you put genuine effort into sharing your travel story. Your storytelling idea is interesting and memorable, which is great. However, you need to take care of the last sub-question in the prompt ---''what you liked the most about the place' --- because it wasn’t FULLY addressed in your answer. If you also work on sentence flow and word choice, you can easily push your response to a Band 7.0 level.
~T. Jenna

I went to Sapporo, Japan on christmas week in 2023 with my friend. 
>>I went to Sapporo, Japan, during Christmas week in 2023 with my friend.
And we planned to go to the place where we can view the christmas tree which is so popular and famous that many tourists come to see. 
>>We planned to visit a place where we could view a Christmas tree that is so popular and famous many tourists come to see it.
Though we departed early, we reached there in afternoon. 
>>Though we departed early, we reached there in the afternoon.
Also, it was getting dark we walking to the spot. 
>>Also, it was getting dark as we were walking to the spot.
in the middle moment, we checked if somebody's there but no ones there except us. 
>>At one point, we checked if somebody was there, but no one was there except us.
Because the place was isolated, we judged that no more pearson would come here. 
>>Because the place was isolated, we assumed that no more people would come there.
Plus, we smelled someting odd, bears' poops we guessed, and we were in the non-trival situation. 
>>Plus, we smelled something odd, which we guessed was bear droppings, and we were in a non-trivial situation.
In the result, we decided to go back to the train station. 
>>As a result, we decided to go back to the train station.
To make matters worse, I lost my phone on the wat back to the station. 
>>To make matters worse, I lost my phone on the way back to the station.
That expreience made us frustrated at first, however, when we remind our trip, It came first of all as well. 
>>That experience made us frustrated at first; however, when we remembered our trip, it stood out the most.
The weather of Sapporo and the departed place stimultaneously were able to be in harmony and made our trip more impressive.
>>The weather in Sapporo and the departure place somehow created a harmonious atmosphere, making our trip more memorable.

***
ALTERNATIVE:
Describe a tourist attraction you once visited. 
Last Christmas, in 2023, I traveled to Sapporo, Japan, with one of my close friends. We had planned to visit a well-known viewing spot where a giant Christmas tree is displayed every year, attracting many tourists. Even though we left early, we only reached the place in the afternoon, and by the time we started walking toward the spot, it was already getting dark.

At one point, we realized no one else was around, which felt strange because the place was usually crowded. It was completely isolated, and to make things worse, we noticed a strong smell that we suspected was from bear droppings. Feeling uneasy, we decided to turn back to the train station. Unfortunately, on the way back, I lost my phone, which added to our frustration.

Despite the unexpected problems, this trip stands out in my memory. The crisp winter air in Sapporo, the quiet snowy surroundings, and the adventure of that day made it one of the most unforgettable travel experiences I’ve ever had. 
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