¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

please open the pile and revise the passage in the pile~

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ½Å*Áø
2021-09-11 270

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



if you can't open the pile, you don't have to revise and just send a message~

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Shin!
I think what you mean is "chef" since you're talking about a job. Other than this word, most of your terms are good. I also suggested some revisions. Please don't forget to use the correct punctuation marks as well. Well done! Thank you. ^^
~Elica~

There are many interesting job these days, but the first think that comes to mind is a cook. 

>>There are many interesting jobs these days, but the first thing that comes to mind is a chef. 

There are many types of cooks such as western food cooks, Japanese food cooks and Korean food cooks. 

>>There are many types of chefs, such as Western food chefs, Japanese food chefs, and Korean food chefs. 

All these types of cooks produce creative meal with their own ideas.

>>All these types of chefs produce creative meals with their ideas. 

 

Surprisingly, none of these cooking jobs really requires a specific education. 

>>Surprisingly, none of these cooking jobs require specific education. 

Some cooks can make it with just natural talent. 

>>Some chefs can make it with just natural talent. 

In Korea, however, many people study fundamental skills and nutrition to be a cook. 

>>In Korea, however, many people study fundamental skills and nutrition to be a cook. 

Whether they have formal education or natural talent, all cooks must have observational skills and diverse experiences

>>Whether they have formal education or natural talent, all chefs must have observational skills and diverse experiences.

 

  There are a couple of reasons why this job is interesting. 

  >>CORRECT

  First, cooks can satisfy the taste of people. 

  >>First, chefs can satisfy the cravings of people. 

  Second they can share their ideas and cause impressive reactions form so many people. 

  >>Second, they can share their ideas and impress so many people. 

  Third, I think cooking is very special because cooks should continuously make a challenge to come up with new ideas.

  >>Third, I think cooking is very special because chefs should continuously challenge themselves to come up with new ideas. 

  In some parts of jobs, people feel boredom and the need for stimulation due to the same routine. 

 >>In some jobs, people get bored and feel the need for stimulation due to the same routine. 

  However, the work of cooks encourages themselves to challenge in their mind

  >>However, their job encourages every chef to keep challenging their minds themselves. 

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
111406 ielts task 2 ÀÌ*±¸ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 209
111405 My Homework °­*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 219
111404 Writing task: How does the government in your country help... Á¶*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 4
111403 Fill in the blanks ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 169
111402 Pet Â÷*ºó ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 200
111401 Monday homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 197
111400 pickled ±è*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1
111399 If you can eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it... ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 161
111398 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 213
111397 What\'s your take on the suppression of women in Afghanistan Çã*Áø ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1
111396 Which do you prefer for your garden organic or chemical... ye*nhi ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 2
111395 Homework ±è*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1
111394 Homework °­*¸² ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1
111393 Tips on the making air travel more enjoyable. Á¤*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 221
111392 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 202
111391 About Your Wardrobe ±â*Çö ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 175
111390 What is my best experience in Boracay? ±è*¹¬ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1
111389 Homework À±*ÀÓ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 194
111388 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 206
111387 homework ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2021-08-30 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04