무료 레벨테스트 받고 강사평가 남기면 1,OOO원 쿠폰 즉시 적립!

혹시 사이트에선 찾지 못한 궁금한 점이 있으세요?
남겨주신 이메일을 통해 답변 드리겠습니다.

문의하신 내용이 문자로 발송되오니
연락처를 남겨주세요.
업무시간 월~금 오전9시~오후6시
(점심시간 낮12시~오후1시)

영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Writing

작성자: 김*원
2021-11-09 292

회원님의 영작문



Writing Topic - More people put their personal information online [address,telephone,number] for everyone such as socializing on social netwoks or baking purpose.
Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good evening Chae Won. Thank you for sharing this writing topic with me. 
T. Irene 
There are pros and cons for the opinion about whether putting their personal information online can be beneficial to people.
>>> There are pros and cons to  putting  people's personal information online.
Some people think that putting their personal information can develop social skills.
>>> Some people think that putting their personal information can help them develop social skills. 
However, in my opinion, it is required governments to reinforce personal information protection, considering people can lead to their personal information from leakage.
>>> However, in my opinion,  governments need to reinforce personal information protection especially if these information can leak to other people.
It can be said that the governments’ reinforcing the personal information protection is not a selection but a necessity in the aspect of people’s personal information leakage.  
>>> This information security is necessary because of the problem on hacking. 
On the one hand, putting their personal information to online can make it possible for people to develop the social skills.
>>> On the one hand, putting their personal information  online can make it possible for people to develop  social skills.
Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental factor than putting personal information on online.
>>> Even though there are other factors, nothing is more dangerous (alarming) than putting personal information  online.
According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in Korea, over 85.2% of the 20s in Korea, who have used the INSTAGRAM for an hour a per day, showed the development of social skills.
>>> According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned newspaper companies in Korea, over 85.2% of Koreans in their 20s, who have used INSTAGRAM for an hour a  day, showed  development of social skills.
It shows how strongly using personal information on online affects peoples’ development social skills in a positive way.
>>>  It shows how strong use of social media affects people in a positive way.
On the other hand, putting their personal information to online can lead peoples to moan under their personal information leakage.
>>> On the other hand, putting their personal information  online can lead peoples to complain or suffer from leakage.
Despite the fact that using the using personal information to online is not the only element for it, it is the fatal case to people that can bring about people’s personal information leakage.
>>> Despite the fact that using personal information  online is not the only cause, however it can still expose them to  hacking.
Let’s take online phishing using a fake online banking website to show how personal information use online affects people’s personal information leakage as an example.
>>> Let’s take online 'phishing' using a fake online banking website to show how  this happens. 
Many of the online baking users have moaned under the fake online banking website.
>>> Many of  online banking users have complained about the fake online banking website.
As a result, many online banking users suffered from economic burden.
>>> Correct. 
As we can see in the example, putting their personal information to online can have a negative effect on the people’s personal information leakage.
>>> As we can see in the example, putting their personal information online can have a negative effect.
Hence, it goes without saying that governments should make a priority to reinforce personal information protection.
>>> Correct.
In conclusion, personal information from leakage can be considered the negative aspect of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to reinforce personal information protection.
>>> Correct.
번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
112882 South Korea Seeks to live with pandemic 유*진 완료 2021-10-14 1
112881 My hometown 이*은 완료 2021-10-14 206
112880 Do you agree with Captain America\'s choices in Civil War? 김*환 완료 2021-10-14 219
112879 How can you avoid vices? 권*윤 완료 2021-10-14 0
112878 homework 오*은 완료 2021-10-14 239
112877 There will be second earth in space 김*우 완료 2021-10-14 184
112876 Homework 김*윤 완료 2021-10-14 598
112875 10.14 homework 임*윤 완료 2021-10-14 2
112874 숙제 정*연 완료 2021-10-14 175
112873 writing 김*영 완료 2021-10-14 177
112872 writing 김*영 완료 2021-10-14 315
112871 1014 김*진 완료 2021-10-14 2
112870 homework 김*연 완료 2021-10-14 218
112869 12 채*서 완료 2021-10-14 193
112868 Jobs 민*정 완료 2021-10-14 1
112867 Have you ever decided to change the way you eat? Why? 노*이 완료 2021-10-14 1
112866 What are your fears and how are you going to overcome them? 류*주 완료 2021-10-14 416
112865 What are your fears and how are you going to overcome them? 여*진 완료 2021-10-14 0
112864 What characteristics should we look for in a candidate who is... 여*진 완료 2021-10-14 0
112863 Thursday homework 류*우 완료 2021-10-14 223

HOW TO USE IT?

[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

수업 횟수만큼 영작교정 게시판이 생성되며,
지난 날짜에도 게시 할 수 있습니다.

주5회 수업 : 월 20회 이용 가능
주3회 수업 : 월 12회 이용 가능
주2회 수업 : 월 08회 이용 가능
01
교정 내용은 최대 1,000byte까지 올릴 수 있습니다.

첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
파일에 대한 첨삭은 불가능 합니다.

업로드 가능한 첨부 파일은 최대 2mb까지이며,
첨부 할 수 있는 파일 형식은 다음과 같습니다.

문서 - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
이미지 - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

와이즈에듀케이션아이(주) 사이트명: 파워잉글리쉬 대표이사 전상현
사업자등록번호: 217-81-44736 통신판매신고번호: 2014-서울도봉-0233호
서울본사: 서울시 노원구 한글비석로 245 두타빌 B동 7층 713호
대표번호 1688-8672 개인정보관리 책임자: 안희영 [powerenglish@pweng.net]