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Claire\'s Homework

작성자: 박*연
2022-01-22 435

회원님의 영작문



Homework: Would you like to learn any form of martial art?

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Thank you for this Claire. Keep them coming! See you in class.


Martial arts are considered a form of culture, not only as self-defense in modern society.

>>> correct 

If I can learn a state of martial arts, I would like to learn Kendo (Japanese fencing) because this form of martial arts is more specialized in self-defense, which can be more practical in real life; martial arts keep my physical and mental health.

>>>  ...martial arts keep my physical and mental health in good condition.

Firstly, Kendo is more specialized in self-defense.

>>> correct  

Martial art is well known for self-defense which is very practical in real life. 

>>> correct   

Self-defense is especially essential for women who are physically weak compared to men. 

>>> correct  

To protect ourselves from harm, Kendo can help. 

>>> correct 

Kendo is very specialized in self-defense. 

>>>  OR: Kendo specializes in self-defense. 

Kendo is differentiated from other martial arts about the specific type of martial arts. 

>>>  OR: Kendo differs from other martial arts because it is a specialized one.

Kendo is a “self-defense martial art” that is mainly for self-defense. 

>>>   correct 

Self-defense martial art is different from essential martial art when using power. 

>>>  correct  

Of course, the intention of martial art is not to harm people, but martial arts purpose also includes dueling. 

>>>   correct 

But self-defense martial art only pursues pure self-defense.

>>>  correct  

   Secondly, martial arts keep healthy.

>>> Secondly, martial arts keep us healthy.  

Physical movements help increase the health of the immune system and increase stamina. 

>>>  correct   

Martial arts are also accepted as an exercise aside from being martial arts. 

>>> OR: Martial arts are also accepted as a form of exercise aside from being martial arts.  

Activities in martial arts are as practical as famous exercises. 

>>>  correct  

Some people start martial arts to enhance their health. 

>>>  correct  

Martial arts significantly enhance lung activities, immune system, stamina, etc. 

>>>  correct  

They take charge of one of the most essentials which form the health. 

>>>  OR: They take charge of one of the most essentials which is health.

Furthermore, Kendo helps sit in a correct posture.

>>>  correct   

   Thirdly, martial arts keep mental health healthy.

>>>   correct  

Mental health is essential. 

>>>    correct 

If our mind isn’t healthy, it might be connected to severe mental illnesses. 

>>>   correct  

Stress, worries, etc., might cause mental illnesses. 

>>>    correct 

Activities in martial arts can relieve stress and help find peace and calm of mind. 

>>>    correct 

Martial arts are also related to meditating. 

>>>    correct 

Meditating, which researchers also prove, can help discipline one’s mind and give peace to mind. 

>>>   correct  

Martial arts include meditating too.

>>>   correct  

   Martial arts are settled in our society as a form of art. 

>>>   correct  

Martial arts should be preserved as a historical culture and art. 

>>>   correct  

Martial arts created and contributed to self-defense and enhancing health. 

>>>  Martial arts created and contributed to self-defense also enhance health. 

Martial arts has melted into modern cultures and become many things.

>>>   correct  


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