¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Can money buy happiness?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-11-22 3136

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. However, as you might expect, this is not the case. I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.

To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Steve! Great job! Grammatically speaking, your sentences are all correct. Excellent work. However, revised sentences are sent to make the statements more clear. Great job!



In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> If it were possible to buy happiness with a fortune, there would be no rich people who don't live a happy life.
However, as you might expect, this is not the case. 
>>> CORRECT!
I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> I think money is just a tool we can use to be happy, not something that makes us happy.
Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> When I see people clinging to the belief that making a fortune will bring them happiness, I feel sorry for them.
Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> Instead, I believe that relationships with people and God can bring happiness to us.
Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. 
>>> CORRECT!
We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We need to consider why rich people have tried to share the fortune they acquired after years of effort and sacrifice.
To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. 
>>> CORRECT!
So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding becoming obsessed with falsehoods about money.
We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued doesn't always turn out to be good for us.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
133196 Holiday ¿°*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3
133195 I would rather live in a tree house ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3132
133194 Vice ¿°*¿¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1
133193 What do you think of employee relocation? Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 2961
133192 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3134
133191 Studying grammar and practicing conversation skills ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3438
133190 Homework ÀÌ*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 4052
133189 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about \"Are you... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1
133188 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 0
133187 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 0
133186 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 2646
133185 Do you like keeping a diary? What do you want to write about? ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3224
133184 Do you think it\'s okay to drink rainwater? Why or why not? ÀÌ*ºó ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 2405
133183 How much spend time for doing my hair ¹Ú*À² ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3011
133182 What was the lamest excuse you have heard of? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 3092
133181 Online shopping ÀÌ*¼Ö ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1653
133180 >> Do you like meeting new people? ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1
133179 With the current economic situation and safety concerns in many... ÀÌ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1
133178 Survey ±Ç*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 1
133177 Letter ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-13 2

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04