¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Can money buy happiness?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-11-22 3131

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. However, as you might expect, this is not the case. I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.

To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Steve! Great job! Grammatically speaking, your sentences are all correct. Excellent work. However, revised sentences are sent to make the statements more clear. Great job!



In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> If it were possible to buy happiness with a fortune, there would be no rich people who don't live a happy life.
However, as you might expect, this is not the case. 
>>> CORRECT!
I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> I think money is just a tool we can use to be happy, not something that makes us happy.
Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> When I see people clinging to the belief that making a fortune will bring them happiness, I feel sorry for them.
Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> Instead, I believe that relationships with people and God can bring happiness to us.
Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. 
>>> CORRECT!
We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We need to consider why rich people have tried to share the fortune they acquired after years of effort and sacrifice.
To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. 
>>> CORRECT!
So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding becoming obsessed with falsehoods about money.
We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued doesn't always turn out to be good for us.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
133159 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about \"Are you afraid... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2
133158 Homework Àå*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 1
133157 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2683
133156 Where i want to go in one country ÀÌ*¼Ö ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 4713
133155 What is the best thing to do after graduation? ÀÌ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 0
133154 Describe your experience watching Cats. ÀÌ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 0
133153 WRITING TASK: Do you think the types of collections people like... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 1
133152 Why do you think there are so many different languages in the... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2748
133151 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2804
133150 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2851
133149 The role of status ÀÓ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2897
133148 Advice to someone ÀÓ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 3566
133147 Do you prefer domestic or overseas trip? Why? ÃÖ*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 3622
133146 What do you like best about the Korean culture? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 3
133145 What strategies do you use to handle your duties at work when... Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 2874
133144 Tell me about executive floor? Tell me about the roles of menu? Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 3271
133143 What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with... ¾ö*ºó ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 1
133142 homwork ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 4
133141 positive thinking ±Ç*¸ð ¿Ï·á 2023-12-12 3016
133140 What I feel about company meetings ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-12-11 3088

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04