¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Do you think holidays are too commercialized?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2025-03-02 1264

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Here's your corrected composition, In Hwan.  Please take a look at the revisions below. Speak to you tomorrow! 



Cheers,
Jean~~
                            
                          
                            


                                          Do you think holidays are too commercialized?


I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. 
>> I agree that the current holidays are too commercialized. 

When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
>> When I was young, I spent time with my family at home.

But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. 
>> But nowadays, I have to go outside, such as to restaurants, department stores, museums, parks, etc., with my children since they want to experience things they saw on the internet or television. 

Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.
>> Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisements that make many people spend more money during holidays.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
145418 Homework Àü*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-08-05 12
145417 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-05 13
145416 Is the army to blame for the rape of the female service member? ÀÓ* ¿Ï·á 2025-08-05 1
145415 Do you think having hobbies is important? Why or why not? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 1
145414 08/04 Homework ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 1
145413 H ¼Û*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 2
145412 How do you show someone that they are special to you? ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 11
145411 homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 2
145410 If you could go on a vacation with your closest friend and you... ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 14
145409 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 10
145408 Himework ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 1
145407 ¤Ó¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 13
145406 Area is related to study for children ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 23
145405 Do you know how to order food in English? ¼Û*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 24
145404 Homework ±Ç*°æ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 23
145403 Can good time management reduce stress? How? À±*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 18
145402 livestock ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 1
145401 farm animals ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 1
145400 The homework for 1st August. Á¶*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 23
145399 What kind of reality show do you want to watch or would enjoy... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-08-04 21

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04