¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¶*Çö
2025-03-12 815

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



please check my file.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello, Bo Hyeon!
Your response has a lot of great details, and I can see that you put effort into describing your experience in Tokyo! You included key information about where you went, who you traveled with, and what you enjoyed the most, which is great for IELTS. However, to make your writing clearer and more fluent, focus on improving sentence structure, word choice, and transitions between ideas. Some sentences feel a little unnatural, and there are a few grammar mistakes, especially with verb tense and articles. Try to use more descriptive words instead of repeating the same phrases, and work on making your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next. Keep practicing, and you'll get better! ^^

Please prepare for the class. See you!
~ Trixia

CONTENT:
I¡¯ve gone a lot of country, among the various country, I would recommend Tokyo
in Janpan.
- I¡¯ve traveled to many countries, and among them, I would recommend Tokyo, Japan.
I¡¯ve sticked around for 2 days Shibuya in Tokyo with mom before a year ago.

- I stayed in Shibuya for two days with my mom about a year ago. 

We had vistied to Time Scramble in Shibuya, and we were very surprised because
we didn¡¯t know that how many many dessert shop they had.
- We visited the famous Shibuya Scramble and were surprised by the number of dessert shops there.
Actually, I¡¯m interested in desserts and pastries so I couldn¡¯t wait to try a lot of
cakes and chocolates, moreover they had a reasonable prices.
- Since I love desserts and pastries, I couldn¡¯t wait to try a variety of cakes and chocolates. They were also reasonably priced.
I bought 2 pieces of cakes and some chocolate and tried them and gussed which
ingredients they had.
- I bought two pieces of cake and some chocolate, tasted them, and tried to guess the ingredients.
All desserts was great but, Especially, the chocolate had an impressive flavor and
texture, in my opinion there was some alcohol and a little bisket within chocolate.
- All the desserts were excellent, but I especially loved the chocolate. It had a rich flavor and smooth texture. In my opinion, there was a hint of alcohol and a touch of biscuit inside.
After we sent enjoy time in the Scramble, I went to Tokyo tower next day.
I saw the whole Tokyo in the tower, I felt overwhelmed by the beautiful scenery.
- After enjoying our time at the Scramble, I visited Tokyo Tower the next day. Seeing the entire city from the tower was breathtaking. 
Although I don¡¯t like to go high place like tower or building, Tokyo tower was
really huge and nice place.

- Although I don¡¯t usually like high places such as towers or tall buildings, Tokyo Tower was massive and a fantastic place to visit.

One of the most best thing while We traveling in Japan, we gained confidence of
speak with foreigner and could learn their culture and life style.

- One of the best things about traveling in Japan was gaining confidence in speaking with foreigners and learning about their culture and way of life.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
141912 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-11 1
141911 homework ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1995
141910 Music can control our emotions ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 4
141909 What is fashion for me? À¯*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1602
141908 interview script Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1
141907 interview script Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 2
141906 interview script Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 2
141905 interview script Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 3
141904 Write about the topic: \"Staying Healthy and Active During... ³ë*ö ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1442
141903 What is your favourite dish? Can you tell me why you like it? ¼Û*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1414
141902 Homework & Question ÀÌ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1633
141901 trip ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 0
141900 Homework4 ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1846
141899 book ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 2
141898 [HOMEWORK] Which greeting kind of annoys you? ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 0
141897 Seollal ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1449
141896 What is your favorite way to practice your English? ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1842
141895 Online shopping ÇÑ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1564
141894 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1510
141893 My personal experience ¹Ú*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-01-10 1638

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04