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D1 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-12 18

회원님의 영작문



D1 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi again! Your essay presents a strong intention to argue in favor of the benefits of electronic devices for growing children, but the thesis is somewhat unclear and contradictory. The organization of your ideas needs improvement as well. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting examples and explanations.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? (250 words)

 

While I agree that using electronic devices is not good for growing children, for example, some students didn’t have study rather than playing game, surfing the internet and watching videos, I personally think that using an electronic device is more advantages for growing children. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While I agree that using electronic devices can have negative effects; such as students playing games, surfing the internet, or watching videos instead of studying; I personally believe that electronic devices are more advantageous for growing children.

 

The first reason, if you know how handle using some devices like computes and communication equipment, it makes a job opportunity.

REVISED: The first reason is that if children learn how to use devices like computers and communication tools, it can create job opportunities in the future.


 For example, when I was in high school, I leaned to computer languages such as Java, C and python.

REVISED: For example, when I was in high school, I learned computer languages such as Java, C, and Python.


 Actually, most students didn’t like this time but I’m except due to my parents. 

REVISED: Most students didn’t enjoy learning programming, but I was an exception because of my parents.


They teched to related to computer when I was young like computer parts and typing so I was interested to computer for a long time.

REVISED: They taught me about computers when I was young, including parts and typing, so I’ve been interested in computers for a long time.


 After high school, I majored in computer related at university and I also work to develop at the company. 

REVISED: After high school, I majored in a computer-related field at university and now work as a developer at a company.


Like this, if you learn one thing about electronic devices from a young age, you will have the opportunity to work.

REVISED: This shows that if children learn about electronic devices from a young age, it can lead to career opportunities.


The second reason, it is for academic reason. For example, there is a lot of information on the internet these days. 

>>> CORRECT~!^^

If you want to find anything, you should use an internet, but if you’re not used to using an internet, there will be a lack of intelligence rather than another people such as study materials and social information.

REVISED: If students aren’t familiar with using the internet, they may miss out on valuable study materials and current information, putting them at a disadvantage compared to others.

 

Due to these reasons, I believe that learning to electronic devices more advantages for young people.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that learning to use electronic devices is more advantageous for young people.
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