¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

D5 essay homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼ö
2025-05-21 592

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



D5 essay homework

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good morning Aiden! Thanks for writing diligently. You're expressing a thoughtful argument—that children today, especially in places like Korea, are under increasing academic and societal pressure. You've included some relevant examples, which is great. Here's a breakdown of feedback to help you improve:
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. Today's children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

While I agree that children are under less pressure these days than were in the past, such as study and expectations from their parents, I personally believe that kids are under more pressure theses days. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While some people believe that children today are under less pressure than in the past; especially in terms of studying and parental expectations;  personally believe that children today face even more pressure. ( Sentence structure made more formal and fluent ) 


One reason some people think they don¡¯t know why kids feel so pressured these days.

REVISED: One reason some people think children aren¡¯t under pressure is that they don¡¯t understand the sources of modern stress.


 For example, in the past, in Korea, there was a lot of pressure on success because many people were poor. For them, success was hope for the family.

However, I believe the new generation is under a lot of pressure on their studies. 

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


In Kore case, many parents invest a lot of money in their children for their studies, so there¡¯s a saying: the academic success of students is often influenced by the level of parental support they received at home. 

REVISED: In Korea, many parents invest a lot of money in their children¡¯s education. There is even a saying: a student¡¯s academic success often depends on the level of parental support at home.


Many students often give up their lives if they are not successful with their studies.

REVISED: Tragically, some students even take their own lives if they fail to meet academic expectations.


Another think is that students of today¡¯s generation are highly competitive because their lives have improved. 

REVISED: Another point is that students today are extremely competitive, partly because their living conditions have improved.


For example, Daechi-dong, Korea, is a city where many students go to private institutes college entrance exams, starting with elementary school students. 

REVISED: For example, in Daechi-dong, a neighborhood in Seoul, many students attend private academies to prepare for college entrance exams, starting as early as elementary school.


They have dinner during academy breaks, and the food is mostly convenience store food. 

REVISED: They often eat dinner during academy breaks, usually convenience store meals.


This is really bad for growing children. Most of the students who know well in this environment are under a lot of pressure on their own, so they are under tremendous stress.

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


Due to these reasons, I believe that today¡¯s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that today¡¯s children are under more societal pressure than those in the past.


¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144443 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-04 263
144442 attending an English kindergarten ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-04 245
144441 Where do you see yourself in 5 years? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2025-06-04 1
144440 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-04 290
144439 what do you think your younger self would be most surprised to... ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-06-04 246
144438 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 279
144437 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 0
144436 Are you confident that your new leader will bring change to your... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 251
144435 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 1
144434 D9 essay homework ±è*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 260
144433 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 2
144432 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 281
144431 What\'s your opinion on minors having jobs or earning money? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 284
144430 Should companies have their own website? ¿©*Âù ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 0
144429 How do people in your country usually show appreciation at... À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 0
144428 What habits can help someone be more punctual? À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 0
144427 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 245
144426 What are the advantages of using door passwords instead of... ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 221
144425 Social support system for older adults ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 237
144424 How do you treat yourself to make yourself feel better when the... Á¶*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-06-03 289

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04