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D5 essay homework

작성자: 김*수
2025-05-21 75

회원님의 영작문



D5 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good morning Aiden! Thanks for writing diligently. You're expressing a thoughtful argument—that children today, especially in places like Korea, are under increasing academic and societal pressure. You've included some relevant examples, which is great. Here's a breakdown of feedback to help you improve:
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. Today's children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

While I agree that children are under less pressure these days than were in the past, such as study and expectations from their parents, I personally believe that kids are under more pressure theses days. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While some people believe that children today are under less pressure than in the past; especially in terms of studying and parental expectations;  personally believe that children today face even more pressure. ( Sentence structure made more formal and fluent ) 


One reason some people think they don’t know why kids feel so pressured these days.

REVISED: One reason some people think children aren’t under pressure is that they don’t understand the sources of modern stress.


 For example, in the past, in Korea, there was a lot of pressure on success because many people were poor. For them, success was hope for the family.

However, I believe the new generation is under a lot of pressure on their studies. 

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


In Kore case, many parents invest a lot of money in their children for their studies, so there’s a saying: the academic success of students is often influenced by the level of parental support they received at home. 

REVISED: In Korea, many parents invest a lot of money in their children’s education. There is even a saying: a student’s academic success often depends on the level of parental support at home.


Many students often give up their lives if they are not successful with their studies.

REVISED: Tragically, some students even take their own lives if they fail to meet academic expectations.


Another think is that students of today’s generation are highly competitive because their lives have improved. 

REVISED: Another point is that students today are extremely competitive, partly because their living conditions have improved.


For example, Daechi-dong, Korea, is a city where many students go to private institutes college entrance exams, starting with elementary school students. 

REVISED: For example, in Daechi-dong, a neighborhood in Seoul, many students attend private academies to prepare for college entrance exams, starting as early as elementary school.


They have dinner during academy breaks, and the food is mostly convenience store food. 

REVISED: They often eat dinner during academy breaks, usually convenience store meals.


This is really bad for growing children. Most of the students who know well in this environment are under a lot of pressure on their own, so they are under tremendous stress.

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


Due to these reasons, I believe that today’s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that today’s children are under more societal pressure than those in the past.


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