¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

D5 essay homework

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¼ö
2025-05-21 579

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



D5 essay homework

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good morning Aiden! Thanks for writing diligently. You're expressing a thoughtful argument—that children today, especially in places like Korea, are under increasing academic and societal pressure. You've included some relevant examples, which is great. Here's a breakdown of feedback to help you improve:
>>> TEACHER GEMMA

Q. Today's children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

While I agree that children are under less pressure these days than were in the past, such as study and expectations from their parents, I personally believe that kids are under more pressure theses days. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

REVISED: While some people believe that children today are under less pressure than in the past; especially in terms of studying and parental expectations;  personally believe that children today face even more pressure. ( Sentence structure made more formal and fluent ) 


One reason some people think they don¡¯t know why kids feel so pressured these days.

REVISED: One reason some people think children aren¡¯t under pressure is that they don¡¯t understand the sources of modern stress.


 For example, in the past, in Korea, there was a lot of pressure on success because many people were poor. For them, success was hope for the family.

However, I believe the new generation is under a lot of pressure on their studies. 

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


In Kore case, many parents invest a lot of money in their children for their studies, so there¡¯s a saying: the academic success of students is often influenced by the level of parental support they received at home. 

REVISED: In Korea, many parents invest a lot of money in their children¡¯s education. There is even a saying: a student¡¯s academic success often depends on the level of parental support at home.


Many students often give up their lives if they are not successful with their studies.

REVISED: Tragically, some students even take their own lives if they fail to meet academic expectations.


Another think is that students of today¡¯s generation are highly competitive because their lives have improved. 

REVISED: Another point is that students today are extremely competitive, partly because their living conditions have improved.


For example, Daechi-dong, Korea, is a city where many students go to private institutes college entrance exams, starting with elementary school students. 

REVISED: For example, in Daechi-dong, a neighborhood in Seoul, many students attend private academies to prepare for college entrance exams, starting as early as elementary school.


They have dinner during academy breaks, and the food is mostly convenience store food. 

REVISED: They often eat dinner during academy breaks, usually convenience store meals.


This is really bad for growing children. Most of the students who know well in this environment are under a lot of pressure on their own, so they are under tremendous stress.

>>> CORRECT~!^^ GOOD JOB!


Due to these reasons, I believe that today¡¯s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past.

REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that today¡¯s children are under more societal pressure than those in the past.


¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
144358 Homework for today ¾ö*¸° ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 1
144357 When was the last time you realized that you are having \"bad... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 397
144356 What skills would you like to learn in the future? Explain Á¶*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 420
144355 Homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 442
144354 Homework ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 2
144353 Homework ¼Û*Çö ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 3
144352 (Homework) Are there funeral practices in your country that you... ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 400
144351 (Homework) Do you like meeting new people? ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 489
144350 Before, plastic surgery was a big issue, but now it is... ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 444
144349 (Homework) Where is your ideal place for a long vacation and why? ±è*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 512
144348 0529 IELTS writing Task2 homework ¼Û*À¯ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144347 earlier ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 1
144346 Meeting new person ±Ç*°æ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 2
144345 brand coffee ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144344 breakfast ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144343 my day ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144342 ¼÷Á¦ ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 532
144341 How can a company encourage better attendance without being too... À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0
144340 Homework ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 505
144339 Why is it important to follow company policies when dealing with... À±*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-05-29 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04